Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Not knowing
Who is Chris? For you have to be realistic and practical in this world. What is it that you want? What is it that you're good for? You should be at least good in something. Try. Do the things you enjoy, even if the least enjoyable. Art? Design? Oh god, I don't know.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
journal
For my days consist mostly of lounging about around the house, yesterday was rather out of the ordinary for it was spent outdoors instead. As early as 10AM (for I usually wake up at that time) I was already out eating breakfast, traditional eggs Benedict and a side of potatoes, at St. Germaine's Cafe. I was with Alvin who had a whole plate of waffles copiously topped with whipped cream, blueberries, sliced bananas, and along with it, too, another plate of potatoes and scrambled eggs.
I wanted to show Alvin the little treasure of a garden Encinitas has, a spiritual garden visited by many. Tourists around the world seem to flock here, as if it is a site for pilgrims of various races. I have seen monks, Buddhists, Hindus, elderly people who wanted, perhaps, enlightenment, contentment, and to find peace, at last, on the remaining days of their lives.
A sign that says 'viewpoint' caught my attention, and I urged Alvin, who seemed to be already running out of breath (for we walked), to climb the stairs; for I was simply curious (for I haven't seen the spot, and I've been wanting to). We ascended the steps that led us to an area that looked like a mini-park. There were few benches scattered among the ground of vivid green, a single tree standing erect and regal with its branches, adorned with proud leaves, spread out widely; casting a shade of sepulchral charm underneath it. About a dozen people were present, savoring the view of the vast ocean. We went to the edge, barricaded by a low white fence, to see for ourselves the full view of the ocean and the misty horizon. Up above here, we saw numerous surfers on their black wetsuits; they resembled like a clan of sea lions massed on one spot, awaiting for a big wave to come. We stayed for couple of minutes, and decided to walk on.
The meditation garden is still its old self, though its own charm, with its myriads of flowers of various species, its greenery, its being situated uphill overlooking the ocean, never cease to amaze me. Alvin, though his first time, was little impressed by it.
I, too, wanted Alvin to see the lagoon situated, still, in Encinitas. Nature will forever be my best companion, for it is simply always there greeting me back cheerfully. Nature is always there to count on, to perpetually serve a motherly embrace, warm and tender, one that is impossible to reject. I am glad, thus, in this lifetime to always have mother nature any time I need her-- when I feel empty, perhaps, when I feel lonely, perhaps, deserted in this world; and mother nature is always there to comfort my hollow disposition.
The walk in the lagoon was just as marvelous as the walk I had in the garden; yet, Alvin, still, was little impressed by it. I concluded by this time that I am more in tuned with nature than him.
We headed back to the house after to do some reading. I ended up taking a half an hour nap in the couch in the living room, while Alvin went on with his studying. We went to E Street Cafe after to do some more studying. We had dinner at Panera's bakery where I had the sesame chicken salad, and Alvin had a combo of half soup and half salad. We went to La Jolla after to see a movie, but since the theater (we were going to see Avatar) was rather crowded, I decided, instead, to see another movie; or go to a different theater. So we went to Fashion Valley to meet Eddie and we ended up seeing 'Nine' which was a disappointment.
I wanted to show Alvin the little treasure of a garden Encinitas has, a spiritual garden visited by many. Tourists around the world seem to flock here, as if it is a site for pilgrims of various races. I have seen monks, Buddhists, Hindus, elderly people who wanted, perhaps, enlightenment, contentment, and to find peace, at last, on the remaining days of their lives.
A sign that says 'viewpoint' caught my attention, and I urged Alvin, who seemed to be already running out of breath (for we walked), to climb the stairs; for I was simply curious (for I haven't seen the spot, and I've been wanting to). We ascended the steps that led us to an area that looked like a mini-park. There were few benches scattered among the ground of vivid green, a single tree standing erect and regal with its branches, adorned with proud leaves, spread out widely; casting a shade of sepulchral charm underneath it. About a dozen people were present, savoring the view of the vast ocean. We went to the edge, barricaded by a low white fence, to see for ourselves the full view of the ocean and the misty horizon. Up above here, we saw numerous surfers on their black wetsuits; they resembled like a clan of sea lions massed on one spot, awaiting for a big wave to come. We stayed for couple of minutes, and decided to walk on.
The meditation garden is still its old self, though its own charm, with its myriads of flowers of various species, its greenery, its being situated uphill overlooking the ocean, never cease to amaze me. Alvin, though his first time, was little impressed by it.
I, too, wanted Alvin to see the lagoon situated, still, in Encinitas. Nature will forever be my best companion, for it is simply always there greeting me back cheerfully. Nature is always there to count on, to perpetually serve a motherly embrace, warm and tender, one that is impossible to reject. I am glad, thus, in this lifetime to always have mother nature any time I need her-- when I feel empty, perhaps, when I feel lonely, perhaps, deserted in this world; and mother nature is always there to comfort my hollow disposition.
The walk in the lagoon was just as marvelous as the walk I had in the garden; yet, Alvin, still, was little impressed by it. I concluded by this time that I am more in tuned with nature than him.
We headed back to the house after to do some reading. I ended up taking a half an hour nap in the couch in the living room, while Alvin went on with his studying. We went to E Street Cafe after to do some more studying. We had dinner at Panera's bakery where I had the sesame chicken salad, and Alvin had a combo of half soup and half salad. We went to La Jolla after to see a movie, but since the theater (we were going to see Avatar) was rather crowded, I decided, instead, to see another movie; or go to a different theater. So we went to Fashion Valley to meet Eddie and we ended up seeing 'Nine' which was a disappointment.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Abby Is Movin
Dear heavens! I can never hold on to a single vision for too long. They slowly dissipate, and when they do, completely, the vision is forever gone, save for little of its flashbacks here and there. But for me to have a solid vision, one that I can cling to the rest of my life, seems, at the time being, impervious. Who is Chris? What defines him? Oh I will never know. I am made to believe I will thus only drift in this lifetime; see myself wither. I must have a tangible goal, one that I truly enjoy. But what? Reading, perhaps. Writing, perhaps. But such things seems to afloat in a stagnant motion for quite a while until it moves an inch, just like a snail. But there is always cosmetology or fashion design, or working at the mall. Oh, I can never figure my life. I have been in stasis for a year now. I don't know what I want to become. Abby's moving to San Francisco had triggered all this. I want my life to be stagnant, unchangeable...for I suffer when changes occur. I have trouble adapting anew.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Content
My current life is in stasis, flowing steadily and undisturbed. I like comparing it to a tiny vessel, contented and simply drifting day by day with no apparent destination. Of course, this tiny vessel can withstand any storm, mighty or weak; if it happens to occur. Hopefully not. No, not this time. Not when I'm prone to vulnerability. I am contented this way. My life is relaxed and simple. I can not make myself face the realm of employment. I am not fully grown, emotionally and mentally, perhaps; who knows? I simply enjoy the comforts of home. I can flourish here. Life will move on slowly. I will attach some time, here and there, for things that interest me.
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