San Francisco Gay Pride

Me and Eddie attended the San Francisco gay pride this weekend. We flew Friday night from San Diego airport to San Francisco airport where Eric picked us up five minutes late. We arrived at the Westin St. Francis, and checked in at 9pm. The hotel's location was very convenient since it is in the heart of Union Square, and the festival, and the subway was only couple blocks away.

On Friday night, me, Eddie, and Eric went to the crowded Castro, and ended up drinking and partying at Toad Hall. Abby and Louie met us there, and we all had fun drinking, laughing and being obnoxious the whole night.

On Saturday, me and Eddie woke up at 2pm. We had brunch at Sushi Boat just across the street from our hotel. We then headed to the "med store" where we spent about fifteen minutes enjoying mother earth. Ahhh....it was so wonderful walking in the street of San Francisco in a windy day under something.

The festival on Saturday was decent, me and Eddie did not plan on visiting all the booths or anything. We were just there to party and let loose. At night, at about 6, we headed to the streets of Castro where they held the Big Party. It was literally a "big" party. The streets were crowded with hundreds or even thousands of people, myriads of kind. We went to the Lookout to get drinks, and ended up getting drunk there. Eddie left us- me, Abby and Louie- for about an hour in search for euphoria, only to fail in his own mission. But while Eddie was away, me, Abby, and Louie took advantage of our freedom. We walked around drunk and with my head spinning. I was suppose to meet up with Eric but I ended up canceling dinner plans with him since I was too wasted. Instead, I just followed Abby and Louie's footsteps. They were drunk too, and were consistently grabbing all the boy's asses who wore skimpy outfits, and sexy underwear.

When Eddie got back, we were rather sad to find out he failed his quest to obtain euphoria. So we ended up looking for a spot where we could smoke and be lightheaded. I could not remember what happened the rest of the night for I was too wasted.

Sunday came, and Eddie and I woke up at 11:30. We went to Max's restaurant, just next to our hotel's to have breakfast. We went to see the parade after. I was surprised to find out the parade was still going even at 1:30pm. The parade was not much of a sight to see so we went to the festival again instead. It was slower for us this time since we were just here yesterday. Me and Eddie danced at the techno stage called Shadowplay. We met up with Abby and Louie again after, where we only hung out for a little bit before we separated our ways. Eddie and I spent the rest of the day lazily walking around, standing here and there, watched some portions of the events on the main stage for a little bit, then rested at the grass where a lot of festival-goers where already seated. This guy, supposedly straight, with his girlfriend, kept eyeing me. He was cute, and I could still discern his face in my mind.

We got done, and tired with the festival and decided to go back to the hotel and rest. It was about 7pm and we spent about an hour enjoying the comforts and elegance of our hotel room. We went out around 8pm and got to Castro at about 9pm. We were both very hungry then and the search for food turned out to be frustrating. Most of the restaurants in Castro was either overly crowded or already closing. Eddie was on the brink of being upset due to his hunger. We then decided to flee the crowded Castro and went back to Union Square to have dinner at the 24-hour diner close to our hotel. We picked up a chocalte cake desert and two milks at Lori's diner after.

We called it an early night. It was about midnight. Eric had been texting me all night long. I forgot to remind Eddie (perhaps I might have forgotten about Eric that night), that we were suppose to meet Eric at Badlands. Reyner was there as well, and I thought it was a good idea meeting them there. But I was side tracked and forgot about the meeting. I apologized for ditching Eric, who was adamant on seeing me one last time. Eric did not even think it was my fault me not seeing him. But whatever, it all comes down to one thing- he was bummed he did not get to spend more time with me the whole weekend I was there.

Monday morning, and there have been couple knocks on the door which disturbed Eddie- one at 8:30am and the other at 10am. We got to the airport early, 12:30, and our flight was 2:30. At the airport, we had breakfast at some sandwich shop. And while I was at the bookstore looking for some magazine, a rather so-so looking guy came up to me wanted to have a small talk. Instead, I gave him the cold shoulder replying "no" to his question, "Hey, where you at the Castro last night?" Anyways, I was but tired and exhausted on the flight home. And I'm here now, back home, still sick with strep throat infection (I got the news just as we got home hearing from the answering machine the doctor saying I tested positive of strep infection.)

The Nursing Board Exam

I finally took my NCLEX exam today despite me being sick with colds, runny nose and tonsillitis. I was stopped after answering 85 questions, and such trend could be a good sign since most of my classmates who took the test and who have encountered the same scenario passed the test. But I am clueless whether or not I passed the test.

I crammed the past two days, doing nothing but study. I slaved myself, day and night, with the NCLEX review book in my hands. The strict self discipline I had from those two days of burning the midnight oil came from me being sloth over the past four months. During those times, I did not do anything but sit around and complain about how miserable and sad my life is. How ridiculous was I?

Caroline, a cast from New Jersey Housewives on Bravo TV had been my inspiration to step up the plate and start acting like a bull rider. "Fuck 'em" is my new motto. I will no longer resort to thinking myself as a victim in this world. Yes, I am very tiny, and yes, I am a girly boy, but I found my new sense of self worth and strength. Most of it stems from Caroline's strong demeanor.

Growing up for me, and looking at the world with new mindset had been a struggle. It goes to show that spoiled kids, no matter how wonderful their life had been during their childhood and teenage years, will have difficulty adjusting into early adulthood. I have gone ups and downs, laughter and misery, joy and sadness-- all of it happened like a mad train speeding so fast in its tracks. Before I knew it, I was embarked into a new trail, a new understanding how life really works. And I want to be good at dealing with life.

For now, I am resting, hoping to recuperate fast from this sickness so that I could party hard in San Francisco this weekend!! Ahh...I just feel accomplished and yes, happy that I have done something useful for myself. :p

Orfila Vineyard

I had such a wonderful day celebrating Juliene's birthday at the Orfila Vineyard. We had wine tasting, and savored six different kinds of wine. We eventually decided to buy a bottle of wine and sit outside next to the grape vineyard itself, and the horizon overlooking rocky mountains, and vast planes. We snacked on pimiento olives, salami and crackers while we drunk our wine. We bought another bottle of wine for us to sit out at the rose garden this time. We ended up drinking and just talking to each other for four hours. It was simply amazing. We had a wonderful time.

Juliene's dad, who also dropped us off, fetched our drunken selves after. At Juliene's place (she's living with her parents temporarily for few months now) her dad had served us the same dishes as we had earlier for lunch. They were all delicious- mostly Filipino dish and delicatessen.

I got home and felt so exhausted almost to a point of falling asleep. It but reminded me of the days after having spent tiresome work on my clinical time as a student nurse on weekends. Eddie got home around 9pm after his show performance at Cane's on Mission Beach. We had Borelli's pizza for dinner, and called it an early night.

Park, Art and Museums

I woke up yesterday worrying about the arrival of Eddie's visitors. I wanted to get out of the house as fast I can just to avoid them. So I had it all planned out. I would go to the library, read my books and study. I went downstairs at 11:30am, and Eddie had just left rather coldly, not even any of his usual "see you later" kisses. I went back upstairs and I took a shower, got ready at my normal pace. I was relieved as soon as I drove past our neighborhood.

On the way to the library, I was pondering about what the avoidance was for. I guess in the end it all roots down from my being shy and me not being comfortable in my own skin. Or perhaps, once again, I have fallen into a mind trap, that I have been a victim of the world I see. I called my parents on the phone just to distract my noisy mind. I called my mom first, then my dad, and asked him for some change. He unselfishly deposited $20 on my account for gas money. Then I called Eric, who I ended up having a long conversation with. We talked for half an hour or so. We talked as I sat in a parking lot in front of the library, and as the conversation deepens and lengthens, I drove, while still talking on the phone, from the library to the bookstore. The conversation was about me wanting to move in with him in San Francisco. I am not certain how truthful I was, but everybody exaggerates at the spur of the moment- I felt that Eddie distanced from me because of our recent confrontations.

I called Abby last, knowing that we had plans on hanging out today for it was his day off. I had abandoned my studying again. I went to pick up Abby and encountered heavy county fair traffic. It added fifteen minutes of the normal travel time. Thank god Abby knew some other way to the freeway that was less populated.

We went to Hash House A Gogo only find out they were closed on mid-day from 2pm-5:30pm. We ended up eating at the Mediterranean restaurant, Pasha. The lady who served as was very nice and polite. I assumed she was the new manager/owner of the small restaurant. I ordered two baklava deserts to-go after the wonderful dinner.

We decided to go to Balboa Park after, and ended up having such a magnificent time. We explored the park and its vicinity. We roamed the museums- we did not get to go inside in one for they were all closed by the time we got there at 5:30pm. But we still had the greatest time walking around what seemed like so foreign to us. We have not gone there before, and we were but thrilled to have discovered such nice architectural buildings, a cutesy small kid's Spanish town, an absurdly wide tree, and to have heard group of boys playing Mexican folk songs with their different instruments, and above all to the new experience.

We rode with the top down on the way home. We watched Big Fish, and the finale of the Housewives of New Jersey. When Eddie got home from work, we three played Mario Karts. At 2am, I dropped Abby home. And when I came back, I played Mario Karts until 4:30am, and I was hooked with racing with the offroader.

Been Out More

The past few days had been quite eventful. On Wednesday night, I met up with my girl friends for dinner at Eddie's restaurant. We had a worthwhile time chatting and catching up on each other. Diane, Julien and I ordered the philly cheese steaks while Myra had a chicken plate. Myra and Diane had two glasses of wine while Julien and I just had iced teas. Eddie gave us fifty percent off on our orders, and we were but grateful. We spent two and a half hours talking about our lives, other people's lives, we reminisced on our time during nursing school, that those times, those days, were truly the good old days. I am happy to have friends like them- they are my nursing buddies, and I am certain that our friendship will be long lasting.

When I came home from the dinner, about 9pm or so, I saw two raccoons gobbling up the cat food we always put outside for the stray cats. They were huge, and seemed hungry and vicious. I parked my car on the driveway while waited for them to go away. Instead, they were curious enough, or perhaps aggressive, that they walked up in front of my car and stared at me. I hissed them but to no avail. I was scared, and could not get inside the house-- I don't have a garage opener, and Eddie won't be home till 11. In order to open the door, I have to walk past them and I did not dare attempt to do that for the fear of them attacking me. Thankfully, Abby called me. I ended up picking him up and he asked me to stop at Taco Bell first before heading home. When we got home, the raccoons were gone and we safely went inside the house.

Yesterday, I did Abby a favor by giving him a ride to Pep Boys to get a battery for his car. His car broke on Tuesday so he could not come over that night, and he texted me later on that he was bored out of his mind. After Pep Boys, we went to where his car was, at his place in Del Mar. Abby still lives with his parents in a small trailer by the horse ranch. I liked it there- the smell of the horses, the nature, the rural essence of it, and just the feeling of being thousand miles away from home even though it was only about five to ten miles from our house. We were glad to see that the battery fit his car perfectly. Then we headed down to Hillcrest where we ate sushi and decided to go for a walk after to the magazine store to buy the new issue of Rolling Stone magazine. We also stopped by at Buffalo Exchange just to window shop. We head home and watched Sweeney Todd which was good (I give it about 7/10). Then we parted ways, he went to Bourbon while I stayed home, and waited for Eddie to come home from work. I watched the special features on The Reader DVD.

I am glad I am beginning to lighten up, and not treating myself as a victim. As the Course In Miracles say, "I am not a victim of the world I see". Plus, it helps studying the book Power Of Now, too. What happened on Monday was a cry for love. I did not mean to hurt Eddie's feelings again when I brought up my unhappiness in this city, and that I wished to be in San Francisco. In the future, I see myself living in San Francisco, but for now, all I can do for the sake of me and Eddie is to be contented, and not let my ego take over my right mind.

Realization

I need to learn to not count on what's outside me for happiness. Instead, I should focus on investing riches inside me, and to continually improve on my spiritual path. I need to learn how to stay in the now and be fully contented, not to wish I am somewhere else, doing something else. I need to quiet my mind, my ego, the voices, the whispers that crowd my head. For they all are but burden- they cast me into shadows of despair and melancholy- and I refuse to be that. I don't want that.

I am greatly sorry that I have caused Eddie heartaches with things I have said such as me not being happy here, and me wanting to move to San Francisco. They are all but projections of the future, and clearly not a sign of a well mind since its not staying in the now.

I need to be more comfortable with myself, and to accept that yes, I am gay, and yes, that I am a tiny 22 year old that looks like a kid. I am beautiful, I am smart, I have all the good things going on for me. I am fortunate and I am thankful for Eddie.

I know that I am not doing anything at the moment, but this too will soon pass. An idle mind could be a perfect tool for the ego, for it could easily snatch it, and occupy my mind with falsities. I need to be more productive, to be out more, be friendly more, be not too conscious when around people. I need to have more friends around my age.

I need to abandon the notion that I am better than most people, because in reality every human being has the same right to exist here in this world, and not to be deprived of anything, even a simple acceptance from me. What I really mean is, I need to see love in everybody, not hate.

What do I do when someone around me is constantly judging and hating people? I just tell them, "You know what, if you please, I don't really want to hear things like that." Acceptance can come a long way, but if you do, you are free.

I need to give everybody a smile, to be able to communicate normally through staying in the now, and not projecting stories in my mind. It is what it is.

I need to be more organized, to read more, and lessen my lazy time. I need to expand myself, to explore new possibilities, and challenge myself once in a while.

Golf at Steele Canyon Ranch

The day began rather early for me. I was awakened by Eddie just what he promised that last night. About a quarter part of myself did not want to go just for the sake of not getting up so early (10:30am), but the dominant side, the side which I want to be in nature, to spend time with Eddie and simply the thought of being outside the whole day motivated me to get moving and be in the shower. By eleven o'clock, I was ready. I was a bit tired and sleepy, too. Eddie had made me breakfast, a toast cut in half covered with butter and grape jelly. He brought out from the fridge a bottle of Starbucks Coffee frapuccino to take along the way.

I vaguely remember what has happened on the way to Murry's place. I might have been sleeping. All I could recall was arriving in front of Murry's condo structure, and the sight of him sitting at the bottom of the stairs, next to his golf bag. He hurried in, we said hellos, and went on talking about random stuff on the way to the golf course.

Jamul is a remote city, about thirty or more miles away from downtown. The city is still in the process of growing, as the appearance of newly paved roads, strip malls and homes. One could picture what this town might have looked like about ten years ago- a vast open field (might have been dry) and only few populations existed with very few homes, mostly ranches perhaps. Until to this day, there are still considerable amount of spaces that dominate the city, and such state marked Jamul as something I would consider as the "boonies".

Steele Canyon Ranch was a decent golf course. The grass was green, the cart tracks were in excellent condition, and the place itself is earnestly clean. It almost resembles a Hawaiian golf course. One thing that stood out the most in my mind was the sight of a weeping willow so robust in its earthy, motherly form. It stretches out wide, too, and that bestowed the tree with more dramatic look as it created an imagery of its countless arms, limp and skinny. Strangely enough, I ought to believe the tree, the weeping willow itself is actually weeping. The arms, as I had thought, metamorphosed into tears. The tree has been so long crying. Its trunk created countless tears that stays there as memories from people, here, in this earth who had suffered, and that the mother tree sufficed their burden through beautifully displaying its own being.

I witnessed Eddie and Murry swung their tees numerous times, and saw everything- the joy, the frustration, the worry, the awe, the disappointment- it proved that golf is also a huge thinking game. In the end, Murry's score was better than Eddie's, but it did not matter nor worth to have made comparisons since Murry cheats on his scores unlike Eddie, who tallies his scores honestly.

We went to Fashion Valley after to watch the movie Up. This was the second time of me watching this movie, but it was no hassle for me since I wanted Eddie to see it anyway, especially to know and feel the storyline. Like what I had expected, he shed some tears, and laughed really hard during some parts of the movie. He confessed that he really loved the movie and gave 9.5/10 rating. I was simply happy that he enjoyed it. We dined at the Nordstrom cafe. I had the tomato basil angel hair pasta and Eddie had a salad with avocados in it.

Then back at home, we played a game of scrabble, a few races online on Mario Karts, and I watched a Discovery Health show entitled, The Vanished Twins.

A Notice

I make stories in my mind all the time. I create a series of projections, scripts, and instances, and I make it all real. This make-believe impairs my ability to socialize well and impedes my personal growth. In reality, someone's thoughts, whatever they are, do not affect you unless you let it. A well, balanced mind, and being able to stay NOW is the key to mental wellness.

A Night of Music

Eddie and I went to the street fair yesterday at Adams Street in North Park. The street fair was rather quaint and indie, populated by people who are into arts, mod designs, and basically the modern 60s style. There have been girls who looked like Enid from the movie Ghost World. There was an odd clown intruding random people, and kids skateboarding on the west side. There were four stages at the event- two rock and roll local bands performing on two separate stages, one band with a girl vocalist that sounded like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and one circus girl on the other stage. Eddie bought me a t-shirt and a print work from some local artist. The design was about a ballerina girl covered in tears.

After the event, Eddie and I went to the Starbucks in Hillcrest and walked over to the magazine store to see the new issue of the Bambini magazine. Then I dropped him off at his restaurant (for he is off to work), and I drove home (we drove the same car, the Ford truck this time.)

Eddie owns three cars- a Ford truck meant for the untidy things such as the dog, the beach, and also for loading and carrying things. A 1995 Dodge Viper which only has 19,000 miles, and a 2001 charcoal black Mercedez Benz. He used to own a GMC truck two years ago, and he gave it away to his brother who lives in Levittown, Pennsylvania. Eddie also bought me my car, a 2007 triple white Beetle, and also bought his daughter a sporty 2008 Mazda (I don't know which kind).

When I got home yesterday, I took Troopy to the beach, which was only a 5 minute drive from home. It was cold, almost sunset, and the mood, the atmosphere was sort of dreamy, as if it was a beach lost in the most remote and bleak region somewhere. It was a whimsical 30 minute walk.

I had dinner after, a leftover sandwich from Eddie's restaurant, then I watched Fashion Show to kill time. At 10:30pm, Abby, just getting off work, decided to come over at the house. He wanted to come with me to pick up Eddie at his restaurant, and go to some gay bar after.

We ended up going to Flicks. Eddie had three beers, while I had three shots of Jagermeister. Abby had two Jager shots, and a drink. We stayed for the underwear contest. The contestants were decent, mostly gay guys in their late 20s- all Caucasian, a scrawny one, a boyish one, a tattooed military one (my favorite), and an intellectual one. All four contestants had something to offer. We left right away after the contest, not even knowing who the winner was.

The ride back home was lunatic. Eddie was driving my car, and I put my head out of the window (Abby, too, at times) while listening to songs from Pink Floyd, Smashing Pumpkins, Fleetwood Mac, etc. At home, we listened to more music while under something, and we let ourselves sumberged into the melodious hymn of music. We went berserk some songs, closed our eyes in wonder at another song, danced on the other songs, and even cried on some. The emotions, many of them, we had invited to feel and grasp it beautifully, and to put it away in laughter. It was but a magical moment that lasted till 3am, when Eddie finally decided to retire for the night. Me and Abby played Mario Karts till 4:30am and we, too, had called it a night.

Reminisce

Yesterday, Abby and I had dinner at PF Chang's in Fashion Valley. I had the VIP duck along with pickled cucumber and tacos while Abby had a rare tuna with wasabi noodles. Both dishes are excellent. Our server, an amicable blonde girl, had made a sauce perfectly mixed with Asian spice and mustard, and it was very addicting. Afterwards, we went to Horton Plaza downtown to see the movie UP, which put me to tears several times with its touchy storyline. We also bought the Pink Floyd movie, The Wall, and we saw it at my place that night.

I was very awkward being out in the public yesterday- a rather bad sign. I do not want to get caught up into that trap again where I get too overly conscious around people. I have been somewhat isolating myself from the public over the past few days, confining myself to my own studies, and doing dreamy things, personal things, etc--whatever things, mostly childish, I could find to distract my noisy mind.

Eddie and I haven't had quality time together in the past few days. He was busy managing his own restaurant, while I was busy playing video games, studying, etc. I need sunlight as well. I have been waking up half past noon for the past five days, and did little exercise, and been out seldomly. I have to do something before such routine will progress into nothingness. I want to be productive, not a burn-out stoner.

My test is scheduled on June 24, and for the upcoming two weeks or so, I will have a boring life. I do not have any source of income, except Eddie giving me some spare change (like $20) every now and then. I also asked money from my parents twice this month so far, $150 total. So long are the days when Eddie used to issue me weekly checks as my allowance while I was in nursing school. I never worked in my life- all the nice things I obtained, it all came from Eddie. And yet, it seems at most times, I show him lack of gratefulness. I would like to put out the trash for him, clean Lucy's litter box for him. I want to cook for him more, to love him more, to satisfy him- not disrespect or belittle him. I would like us to have a quality and worthwhile time.

Florian canceled today on our plans to go to House of Blues downtown for he has been sick with sinus infection. I would have loved to have gone and check it out- Club Lucky, a gay event, happens once a month, on the first week of each month at House of Blues.

A Lazy Day

I have been utterly lazy the entire day, doing almost nothing but play Mario Karts for six hours total. I woke up at 1pm, and Eddie had already gone to play golf with Murry at Encinitas Ranch. They got home around four in the afternoon and had ordered a large supreme pizza at Borelli's. At 6:30, Eddie went to attend his Course in Miracles study group in Escondido for two hours, and I was left at home playing Mario Karts (Eddie thought I was studying). I have not been keeping up with my studying for three days now. I am suppose to read two chapters a day, and I am already behind four chapters, I think. I am confident though that I will finish my NCLEX review book by June 24, the day of my test.

I accept that I have been lazy today, and not condemn myself for it. Tomorrow, I wish to be productive.

A Night with Fleetwood Mac

I am so happy today because I got to see Fleetwood Mac live at the Sports Arena! It was a surprise from Eddie and he acted it out well. At first I thought we were going to see the movie "Up" at Fashion Valley. On the way, he took the wrong freeway, and since I was in a happy mood, I did not let the petty situation upset me. Then suddenly, he threw folded papers on my lap. I did not put too much emphasis on the papers and I simply asked him what it was. "Trash", he replied, so I mindlessly dumped it in the car's trash bin. He then asked me to examine them closer...and I was awe stricken to discover two Fleetwood Mac concert tickets! And we were on our way too!

We arrived at the Sports Arena an hour early, and the parking lot was still desolated. We parked at the nearest spot we could find and entered the venue from the east side. I got so self conscious inside the stadium since I was wearing the tightest black jeans that almost resembled a legging. I dressed for the mall, not for this rock concert. Luckily, I wore a not-so-loose black jacket to tame my look down. Surprisingly, it was all in my mind again- people looked but did not stare. I once again defeated my self for not being comfortable with my sexual orientation. It forever bothered my mind as to why I dress and look this way (tight black jeans, stylish t-shirt, air brush make up applied to my face, mascara, eye groomer- all look natural of course!), and hate it when people look and stare at me. Sigh. I always believed that I am one of a kind, an exotic creature humans do not encounter often, an interesting case of androgyny, frail and pixie looking.

The concert was a riot to its most chaotic degree. We had decent seats located on a lodge closest to the stage. The band performed their best hits from early Fleetwood Mac to their late hits from the eighties. Stevie Nicks donned on black and red rock dresses matched with extravagant retro scarves, gold, white and black, that the whole outfit echoed modern Victorian style. Her voice still sounded the same. She wowed me when she sang "Silver Springs" and "Landslide". Lindsey Buckingham, still handsome for his age, performed effortlessly on his guitar playing. He skillfully submerged himself into his guitar in a superhuman-like fashion. As if his own soul was producing the sound like a melodious, hallucinating cry that unraveled the band as true music genius. The drummer, Fleetwood, professed an indulging spirit when he had his solo moment in the end during the encore presentation. He, too, was memorable-he had a great smile, and looked rather cartoonish, wearing red elf-like shoes.

The concert will surely be memorable. Fleetwood Mac has become my favorite band of all time, and I am grateful for Eddie for taking me tonight at the concert. What a fantastic evening!