Christmas Aftermath

Christmas is gone. My parents have left this morning. I am happy that I get to see them for the holidays even for a short while. I worry, though, that my mother has some serious disease; for she has been complaining about the left side of her head being numb, a precursor to additional symptoms and further ailments that occur thereafter, such as her body tingling, a formication of some sort; and then, she would begin to vomit, for then she would experience vertigo. All I could do is hope that she is okay. My father is still his old self, although he seems to do better with his shyness among people. It is the language that, after all, impedes him. Back in our country, he was nothing but an outgoing person, an individual with plenty of friends. He would have around him his drinking buddies, work buddies, relatives, and us- his own, close-knitted family. Families in the Philippines tend to stick together adamantly, that all the waves, the shakings of the vessel, the life, was but a series of a given and inevitable challenges that humans are apt to face, and can not turn their backs away from.

Ugh the noise in the living room infiltrates my mind so, it poisons it, disturbs it- how very perturbing! Ah...finally, it settles; only the coughs and silent murmurs I hear. Then I could write more.

So Christmas is gone today; it finished yesterday. But, I'm an atheist now (I have abandoned my Catholicism). I am better off this way without chains on my feet. I am, thus, free in this lifetime; void of the governing rules of religion. The bible being nothing but a mere fable, a means of exaggeration to uplift one's spirit. One needs to adhere to something in this life to keep it from derailing. Christmas- I play along with it; it is simply a reminder of supreme childhood jubilation, for everybody yearns, and love the essence of it.

But there is today, the aftermath of Christmas. I am atheist; and yes, something in me feels incomplete. It's the thought of Christmas, my childhood, who I once was....but there is today to live, to get through. I will work out, shower, then get ready to meet Tiara at Baja Betty's. It will be fun; we will all be inebriated. And tomorrow, a movie, then the review that comes with it. Then, next day, another course of living, of filling up time, hours after hours, of things that seem to me, worthy, good; anything that serves me well. In my life, I do not struggle. I am comfortably issued to live within my means. I am practical and realistic with my views. There will be these days to live before the New Year, there will be a week or two after that, and then, the serious change will begin. It will take place, it will take place.

Action speak louder than words

I have been ridiculously busy. I like it this way, me being productive and all. Life is worth living if you do, and surround yourself with worthy things. Challenges can make life interesting and rekindle the childhood curiosity in you. I am very blessed to have Eddie on my side. Oh how I love him dearly.

Midnight Blues

Pretty soon things will change. Life might be written page by page; yet, still, with no distinct adage. Life, after all, is nothing but a state of mind. One prefers black; the other, white; one instills peace; one embraces chaos. Acceptance, then, is the key to, perhaps, reach a rich evolution. Love, then, prevails in the end. "But how about the cold-hearted?," one might ask. I say find a country, or search for an unmanned island (any place as long as it is subject to habitation); and let the cold-hearted, the psychos, the killers and the like, dwell in it. Let them like-minded humans inhabit such ground and turn it into a jungle of thrill. Give them what they wish- that if they seek for thrill; give them thrill. For these people, doom is more diaphanous than the air that lurks in the White House. Heavens, I'd rather be thrilled than bored! But why should politics bore me if I consider myself "higher minded" than most humans? Perhaps, I do not invest any of my time learning (I'm very much so ignorant with politics. I simply can not stand it for its artificial, man-made, mind-made, manipulative and destructive nature; it impedes intellectual growth). Why? For politics is subtly tied to religion. In America, "In God We Trust". In America, an extroverted society prevails; the way of life is focused on the outside world; it lacks humanity. In America, people are blinded by their daily travails; they wait for miracles only to find in the end that days have gone by so fast and quickly. There are the rich housewives only caring for their appearance; there are the poor mothers working at grocery stores to try to make ends meet; there are the middle class society dining out, shopping, making corporations richer and richer; there are the bohemians, carefree, set in recluse to meditate through their paintings and arts, or writing and reading...who knows? Pretty soon things will change. People are humans and humans have minds, and each mind carry a different mindset. Pretty soon, people will form congregations, cults, groups, small nations, etc. Individuality will prevail for it will then be understood. This is all a vision. It won't be practiced many generations from now for humanity's acceptance for acceptance itself- love, unity, peace- is a far, far cry. There will always be chaos- lurking, lingering.

halter

I miss life, though life itself, its meaning and essence, will forever be in oblivion. No one ever finds life's purpose; and it's a sad fact. We create life, that is; we associate, cling, embrace; and consume every second, every minute, every hour of our living, to things that whatever we wish, of things that externally prevail in us. Such things, god knows what, prevails where? In the mind, perhaps; in the heart, love and understanding. Yet I am made to believe that humans can possibly be heartless at birth. Yes, some are predisposed to apathy, while some, it may seem, will forever be in humanity's debt. In my case, I am only concerned to my own necessities- beauty, studies, book, etc....oh i lost my train of thought (my sister from overseas just called).

The third day of the rest of my life

Who am I but a smart young man, full of artistic capabilities, the ability to create something beautiful. Yes, in this life, I would make myself hungry for education, for reading, for literature, for intellect as a whole. I will be primarily that- a very smart boy, well-spoken, full of interesting insights. I will not be a bore, I will adapt to whoever I am approaching, I will exude my rather intellectual side for people to admire. Then comes with it, beauty and poise, and cleanliness as secondary; for one needs to have his surroundings organized to feel royal. I will never look down on myself anymore, for I have this whole life ahead of me. I have a lot to do, and now, is where I start.

just got back from the club

One goes to a club to shake off stress, and some, as if it's a means of intermittent ritual, seek the club for the need to feel alien, and to get overwhelmed by it, that by going there- with the loud music, with the colorful lights, the crowd, and the mingling- one feels energized enough to survive yet another course of recluse. But it's not an absolute isolation, no. It's a kind of a modern, monastic approach to life. As if he's a vintage monk, with his zeal for his customary ways and values, who had been forced to conjoin the earth's prevailing mutation, became comfortably subdued. Surely, an old soul, whose mind is enough for himself, might find the Western's value of extroversion rather distressing. One can go on and live the majority of his days alone, mostly reading, writing, dreaming, and drawing. And oh, this will not fit in this paragraph but, yes, I love to play Mario Kart Wii online :]

how could the heroine in my book have died?

Each day a certain vision of life permeates me. These visions, which usually rise up in the morning when i awake, after a hard night of partying, would disappear momentarily. These ephemeral visions, which range from perceiving myself as a heavy drug user to a brilliant writer, to a worthless person, to someone of substance, would leave their own distinct mark in my personality as a whole. As a character, I am rather eccentric for I tend to over think too much about life and humanity. Never I will find a second where I can just quiet my garrulous brain. But it's a gift, I'd like to think. Yes, I can take advantage of my own idiosyncrasy to something admirable- that is, to be able to create beautiful things, and to be able to write effectively of whatever things that cross my mind. Though some of these visions would last longer than they ought to be. Say for example, this one vision, which lasted for couple of weeks. I made myself believe that I was a dexterous artist, capable of painting anything that comes up in my brain. For two weeks I was only that- a buoyant artist jovially moving about, to and fro around the house, trying to catch a glimpse of an inspiration, and then, to paint it. Yet time revealed this vision's short lived course. Like the wind, susceptible to any changes, I drifted from one personality to another. Now, I am made to believe that I could be a brilliant writer, or perhaps, a magnificent fashion designer designing only of clothes that evoke elegance and simplicity.

things have changed

I read plenty pages, of Virginia Woolf's, "The Voyage Out," today. I must say I have never been thrilled than ever to read more of her books! I could go on patronizing her, paragraphs after paragraphs on how her books can bring about humanity and life, and its philosophies and complexities. But I won't go to that for it would be tedious, I think.

I did attend to my health, my beauty and my home today. I walked the dog at the beach, ate scantily of Mongolian beef and white rice, and finished more than half of Eddie's laundry. The house is clean and the dishwasher has to be emptied in the morning (that reminds me I should stop waking up so late, at noon!)

For tomorrow, oh! I can't wait for the coffee and the morning walk, with Troopy, backyard and (but where this time? That same path starts to bore me) ugh, I am undecided. And if I don't come into a conclusion before it gets too late, I'd stick to the same path. And force yourself to go to the gym tomorrow! That's why I must eat breakfast to keep me satiated until after the gym. Thirty minutes of the gym would do! I must shower after, of course. And then, cut my hair and shave my legs, and shower again. Continue reading Virginia Woolf and write a review on the "Soloist". Invest an hour or two on fashion. That must be enough for tomorrow :]

Big Five: fashion (clothes, looking pretty), home (cooking, Eddie, cleaning,pets), health (walk, gym, healthy diet) beauty (shave, shower, hair, skin, eyebrow, stretch!!!!), intellect (writing, reading)
Hubs: anything art!, dining out, friends and, perhaps, sex.

"I am usually miserable so I try to satisfy all my wanting when they come, excluding how crazy and idiosyncratic they would be."

"I find the world miserable so I resort to my own world, which is my own thoughts only known to me."

***Know your ground***- only judge in your head :] see the honesty in things, what they really are and what they really mean.