Not knowing

Who is Chris? For you have to be realistic and practical in this world. What is it that you want? What is it that you're good for? You should be at least good in something. Try. Do the things you enjoy, even if the least enjoyable. Art? Design? Oh god, I don't know.

journal

For my days consist mostly of lounging about around the house, yesterday was rather out of the ordinary for it was spent outdoors instead. As early as 10AM (for I usually wake up at that time) I was already out eating breakfast, traditional eggs Benedict and a side of potatoes, at St. Germaine's Cafe. I was with Alvin who had a whole plate of waffles copiously topped with whipped cream, blueberries, sliced bananas, and along with it, too, another plate of potatoes and scrambled eggs.

I wanted to show Alvin the little treasure of a garden Encinitas has, a spiritual garden visited by many. Tourists around the world seem to flock here, as if it is a site for pilgrims of various races. I have seen monks, Buddhists, Hindus, elderly people who wanted, perhaps, enlightenment, contentment, and to find peace, at last, on the remaining days of their lives.

A sign that says 'viewpoint' caught my attention, and I urged Alvin, who seemed to be already running out of breath (for we walked), to climb the stairs; for I was simply curious (for I haven't seen the spot, and I've been wanting to). We ascended the steps that led us to an area that looked like a mini-park. There were few benches scattered among the ground of vivid green, a single tree standing erect and regal with its branches, adorned with proud leaves, spread out widely; casting a shade of sepulchral charm underneath it. About a dozen people were present, savoring the view of the vast ocean. We went to the edge, barricaded by a low white fence, to see for ourselves the full view of the ocean and the misty horizon. Up above here, we saw numerous surfers on their black wetsuits; they resembled like a clan of sea lions massed on one spot, awaiting for a big wave to come. We stayed for couple of minutes, and decided to walk on.

The meditation garden is still its old self, though its own charm, with its myriads of flowers of various species, its greenery, its being situated uphill overlooking the ocean, never cease to amaze me. Alvin, though his first time, was little impressed by it.

I, too, wanted Alvin to see the lagoon situated, still, in Encinitas. Nature will forever be my best companion, for it is simply always there greeting me back cheerfully. Nature is always there to count on, to perpetually serve a motherly embrace, warm and tender, one that is impossible to reject. I am glad, thus, in this lifetime to always have mother nature any time I need her-- when I feel empty, perhaps, when I feel lonely, perhaps, deserted in this world; and mother nature is always there to comfort my hollow disposition.

The walk in the lagoon was just as marvelous as the walk I had in the garden; yet, Alvin, still, was little impressed by it. I concluded by this time that I am more in tuned with nature than him.

We headed back to the house after to do some reading. I ended up taking a half an hour nap in the couch in the living room, while Alvin went on with his studying. We went to E Street Cafe after to do some more studying. We had dinner at Panera's bakery where I had the sesame chicken salad, and Alvin had a combo of half soup and half salad. We went to La Jolla after to see a movie, but since the theater (we were going to see Avatar) was rather crowded, I decided, instead, to see another movie; or go to a different theater. So we went to Fashion Valley to meet Eddie and we ended up seeing 'Nine' which was a disappointment.

Abby Is Movin

Dear heavens! I can never hold on to a single vision for too long. They slowly dissipate, and when they do, completely, the vision is forever gone, save for little of its flashbacks here and there. But for me to have a solid vision, one that I can cling to the rest of my life, seems, at the time being, impervious. Who is Chris? What defines him? Oh I will never know. I am made to believe I will thus only drift in this lifetime; see myself wither. I must have a tangible goal, one that I truly enjoy. But what? Reading, perhaps. Writing, perhaps. But such things seems to afloat in a stagnant motion for quite a while until it moves an inch, just like a snail. But there is always cosmetology or fashion design, or working at the mall. Oh, I can never figure my life. I have been in stasis for a year now. I don't know what I want to become. Abby's moving to San Francisco had triggered all this. I want my life to be stagnant, unchangeable...for I suffer when changes occur. I have trouble adapting anew.

Content

My current life is in stasis, flowing steadily and undisturbed. I like comparing it to a tiny vessel, contented and simply drifting day by day with no apparent destination. Of course, this tiny vessel can withstand any storm, mighty or weak; if it happens to occur. Hopefully not. No, not this time. Not when I'm prone to vulnerability. I am contented this way. My life is relaxed and simple. I can not make myself face the realm of employment. I am not fully grown, emotionally and mentally, perhaps; who knows? I simply enjoy the comforts of home. I can flourish here. Life will move on slowly. I will attach some time, here and there, for things that interest me.

Christmas Aftermath

Christmas is gone. My parents have left this morning. I am happy that I get to see them for the holidays even for a short while. I worry, though, that my mother has some serious disease; for she has been complaining about the left side of her head being numb, a precursor to additional symptoms and further ailments that occur thereafter, such as her body tingling, a formication of some sort; and then, she would begin to vomit, for then she would experience vertigo. All I could do is hope that she is okay. My father is still his old self, although he seems to do better with his shyness among people. It is the language that, after all, impedes him. Back in our country, he was nothing but an outgoing person, an individual with plenty of friends. He would have around him his drinking buddies, work buddies, relatives, and us- his own, close-knitted family. Families in the Philippines tend to stick together adamantly, that all the waves, the shakings of the vessel, the life, was but a series of a given and inevitable challenges that humans are apt to face, and can not turn their backs away from.

Ugh the noise in the living room infiltrates my mind so, it poisons it, disturbs it- how very perturbing! Ah...finally, it settles; only the coughs and silent murmurs I hear. Then I could write more.

So Christmas is gone today; it finished yesterday. But, I'm an atheist now (I have abandoned my Catholicism). I am better off this way without chains on my feet. I am, thus, free in this lifetime; void of the governing rules of religion. The bible being nothing but a mere fable, a means of exaggeration to uplift one's spirit. One needs to adhere to something in this life to keep it from derailing. Christmas- I play along with it; it is simply a reminder of supreme childhood jubilation, for everybody yearns, and love the essence of it.

But there is today, the aftermath of Christmas. I am atheist; and yes, something in me feels incomplete. It's the thought of Christmas, my childhood, who I once was....but there is today to live, to get through. I will work out, shower, then get ready to meet Tiara at Baja Betty's. It will be fun; we will all be inebriated. And tomorrow, a movie, then the review that comes with it. Then, next day, another course of living, of filling up time, hours after hours, of things that seem to me, worthy, good; anything that serves me well. In my life, I do not struggle. I am comfortably issued to live within my means. I am practical and realistic with my views. There will be these days to live before the New Year, there will be a week or two after that, and then, the serious change will begin. It will take place, it will take place.

Action speak louder than words

I have been ridiculously busy. I like it this way, me being productive and all. Life is worth living if you do, and surround yourself with worthy things. Challenges can make life interesting and rekindle the childhood curiosity in you. I am very blessed to have Eddie on my side. Oh how I love him dearly.

Midnight Blues

Pretty soon things will change. Life might be written page by page; yet, still, with no distinct adage. Life, after all, is nothing but a state of mind. One prefers black; the other, white; one instills peace; one embraces chaos. Acceptance, then, is the key to, perhaps, reach a rich evolution. Love, then, prevails in the end. "But how about the cold-hearted?," one might ask. I say find a country, or search for an unmanned island (any place as long as it is subject to habitation); and let the cold-hearted, the psychos, the killers and the like, dwell in it. Let them like-minded humans inhabit such ground and turn it into a jungle of thrill. Give them what they wish- that if they seek for thrill; give them thrill. For these people, doom is more diaphanous than the air that lurks in the White House. Heavens, I'd rather be thrilled than bored! But why should politics bore me if I consider myself "higher minded" than most humans? Perhaps, I do not invest any of my time learning (I'm very much so ignorant with politics. I simply can not stand it for its artificial, man-made, mind-made, manipulative and destructive nature; it impedes intellectual growth). Why? For politics is subtly tied to religion. In America, "In God We Trust". In America, an extroverted society prevails; the way of life is focused on the outside world; it lacks humanity. In America, people are blinded by their daily travails; they wait for miracles only to find in the end that days have gone by so fast and quickly. There are the rich housewives only caring for their appearance; there are the poor mothers working at grocery stores to try to make ends meet; there are the middle class society dining out, shopping, making corporations richer and richer; there are the bohemians, carefree, set in recluse to meditate through their paintings and arts, or writing and reading...who knows? Pretty soon things will change. People are humans and humans have minds, and each mind carry a different mindset. Pretty soon, people will form congregations, cults, groups, small nations, etc. Individuality will prevail for it will then be understood. This is all a vision. It won't be practiced many generations from now for humanity's acceptance for acceptance itself- love, unity, peace- is a far, far cry. There will always be chaos- lurking, lingering.