Christmas Aftermath

Christmas is gone. My parents have left this morning. I am happy that I get to see them for the holidays even for a short while. I worry, though, that my mother has some serious disease; for she has been complaining about the left side of her head being numb, a precursor to additional symptoms and further ailments that occur thereafter, such as her body tingling, a formication of some sort; and then, she would begin to vomit, for then she would experience vertigo. All I could do is hope that she is okay. My father is still his old self, although he seems to do better with his shyness among people. It is the language that, after all, impedes him. Back in our country, he was nothing but an outgoing person, an individual with plenty of friends. He would have around him his drinking buddies, work buddies, relatives, and us- his own, close-knitted family. Families in the Philippines tend to stick together adamantly, that all the waves, the shakings of the vessel, the life, was but a series of a given and inevitable challenges that humans are apt to face, and can not turn their backs away from.

Ugh the noise in the living room infiltrates my mind so, it poisons it, disturbs it- how very perturbing! Ah...finally, it settles; only the coughs and silent murmurs I hear. Then I could write more.

So Christmas is gone today; it finished yesterday. But, I'm an atheist now (I have abandoned my Catholicism). I am better off this way without chains on my feet. I am, thus, free in this lifetime; void of the governing rules of religion. The bible being nothing but a mere fable, a means of exaggeration to uplift one's spirit. One needs to adhere to something in this life to keep it from derailing. Christmas- I play along with it; it is simply a reminder of supreme childhood jubilation, for everybody yearns, and love the essence of it.

But there is today, the aftermath of Christmas. I am atheist; and yes, something in me feels incomplete. It's the thought of Christmas, my childhood, who I once was....but there is today to live, to get through. I will work out, shower, then get ready to meet Tiara at Baja Betty's. It will be fun; we will all be inebriated. And tomorrow, a movie, then the review that comes with it. Then, next day, another course of living, of filling up time, hours after hours, of things that seem to me, worthy, good; anything that serves me well. In my life, I do not struggle. I am comfortably issued to live within my means. I am practical and realistic with my views. There will be these days to live before the New Year, there will be a week or two after that, and then, the serious change will begin. It will take place, it will take place.

Action speak louder than words

I have been ridiculously busy. I like it this way, me being productive and all. Life is worth living if you do, and surround yourself with worthy things. Challenges can make life interesting and rekindle the childhood curiosity in you. I am very blessed to have Eddie on my side. Oh how I love him dearly.

Midnight Blues

Pretty soon things will change. Life might be written page by page; yet, still, with no distinct adage. Life, after all, is nothing but a state of mind. One prefers black; the other, white; one instills peace; one embraces chaos. Acceptance, then, is the key to, perhaps, reach a rich evolution. Love, then, prevails in the end. "But how about the cold-hearted?," one might ask. I say find a country, or search for an unmanned island (any place as long as it is subject to habitation); and let the cold-hearted, the psychos, the killers and the like, dwell in it. Let them like-minded humans inhabit such ground and turn it into a jungle of thrill. Give them what they wish- that if they seek for thrill; give them thrill. For these people, doom is more diaphanous than the air that lurks in the White House. Heavens, I'd rather be thrilled than bored! But why should politics bore me if I consider myself "higher minded" than most humans? Perhaps, I do not invest any of my time learning (I'm very much so ignorant with politics. I simply can not stand it for its artificial, man-made, mind-made, manipulative and destructive nature; it impedes intellectual growth). Why? For politics is subtly tied to religion. In America, "In God We Trust". In America, an extroverted society prevails; the way of life is focused on the outside world; it lacks humanity. In America, people are blinded by their daily travails; they wait for miracles only to find in the end that days have gone by so fast and quickly. There are the rich housewives only caring for their appearance; there are the poor mothers working at grocery stores to try to make ends meet; there are the middle class society dining out, shopping, making corporations richer and richer; there are the bohemians, carefree, set in recluse to meditate through their paintings and arts, or writing and reading...who knows? Pretty soon things will change. People are humans and humans have minds, and each mind carry a different mindset. Pretty soon, people will form congregations, cults, groups, small nations, etc. Individuality will prevail for it will then be understood. This is all a vision. It won't be practiced many generations from now for humanity's acceptance for acceptance itself- love, unity, peace- is a far, far cry. There will always be chaos- lurking, lingering.

halter

I miss life, though life itself, its meaning and essence, will forever be in oblivion. No one ever finds life's purpose; and it's a sad fact. We create life, that is; we associate, cling, embrace; and consume every second, every minute, every hour of our living, to things that whatever we wish, of things that externally prevail in us. Such things, god knows what, prevails where? In the mind, perhaps; in the heart, love and understanding. Yet I am made to believe that humans can possibly be heartless at birth. Yes, some are predisposed to apathy, while some, it may seem, will forever be in humanity's debt. In my case, I am only concerned to my own necessities- beauty, studies, book, etc....oh i lost my train of thought (my sister from overseas just called).

The third day of the rest of my life

Who am I but a smart young man, full of artistic capabilities, the ability to create something beautiful. Yes, in this life, I would make myself hungry for education, for reading, for literature, for intellect as a whole. I will be primarily that- a very smart boy, well-spoken, full of interesting insights. I will not be a bore, I will adapt to whoever I am approaching, I will exude my rather intellectual side for people to admire. Then comes with it, beauty and poise, and cleanliness as secondary; for one needs to have his surroundings organized to feel royal. I will never look down on myself anymore, for I have this whole life ahead of me. I have a lot to do, and now, is where I start.

just got back from the club

One goes to a club to shake off stress, and some, as if it's a means of intermittent ritual, seek the club for the need to feel alien, and to get overwhelmed by it, that by going there- with the loud music, with the colorful lights, the crowd, and the mingling- one feels energized enough to survive yet another course of recluse. But it's not an absolute isolation, no. It's a kind of a modern, monastic approach to life. As if he's a vintage monk, with his zeal for his customary ways and values, who had been forced to conjoin the earth's prevailing mutation, became comfortably subdued. Surely, an old soul, whose mind is enough for himself, might find the Western's value of extroversion rather distressing. One can go on and live the majority of his days alone, mostly reading, writing, dreaming, and drawing. And oh, this will not fit in this paragraph but, yes, I love to play Mario Kart Wii online :]

how could the heroine in my book have died?

Each day a certain vision of life permeates me. These visions, which usually rise up in the morning when i awake, after a hard night of partying, would disappear momentarily. These ephemeral visions, which range from perceiving myself as a heavy drug user to a brilliant writer, to a worthless person, to someone of substance, would leave their own distinct mark in my personality as a whole. As a character, I am rather eccentric for I tend to over think too much about life and humanity. Never I will find a second where I can just quiet my garrulous brain. But it's a gift, I'd like to think. Yes, I can take advantage of my own idiosyncrasy to something admirable- that is, to be able to create beautiful things, and to be able to write effectively of whatever things that cross my mind. Though some of these visions would last longer than they ought to be. Say for example, this one vision, which lasted for couple of weeks. I made myself believe that I was a dexterous artist, capable of painting anything that comes up in my brain. For two weeks I was only that- a buoyant artist jovially moving about, to and fro around the house, trying to catch a glimpse of an inspiration, and then, to paint it. Yet time revealed this vision's short lived course. Like the wind, susceptible to any changes, I drifted from one personality to another. Now, I am made to believe that I could be a brilliant writer, or perhaps, a magnificent fashion designer designing only of clothes that evoke elegance and simplicity.

things have changed

I read plenty pages, of Virginia Woolf's, "The Voyage Out," today. I must say I have never been thrilled than ever to read more of her books! I could go on patronizing her, paragraphs after paragraphs on how her books can bring about humanity and life, and its philosophies and complexities. But I won't go to that for it would be tedious, I think.

I did attend to my health, my beauty and my home today. I walked the dog at the beach, ate scantily of Mongolian beef and white rice, and finished more than half of Eddie's laundry. The house is clean and the dishwasher has to be emptied in the morning (that reminds me I should stop waking up so late, at noon!)

For tomorrow, oh! I can't wait for the coffee and the morning walk, with Troopy, backyard and (but where this time? That same path starts to bore me) ugh, I am undecided. And if I don't come into a conclusion before it gets too late, I'd stick to the same path. And force yourself to go to the gym tomorrow! That's why I must eat breakfast to keep me satiated until after the gym. Thirty minutes of the gym would do! I must shower after, of course. And then, cut my hair and shave my legs, and shower again. Continue reading Virginia Woolf and write a review on the "Soloist". Invest an hour or two on fashion. That must be enough for tomorrow :]

Big Five: fashion (clothes, looking pretty), home (cooking, Eddie, cleaning,pets), health (walk, gym, healthy diet) beauty (shave, shower, hair, skin, eyebrow, stretch!!!!), intellect (writing, reading)
Hubs: anything art!, dining out, friends and, perhaps, sex.

"I am usually miserable so I try to satisfy all my wanting when they come, excluding how crazy and idiosyncratic they would be."

"I find the world miserable so I resort to my own world, which is my own thoughts only known to me."

***Know your ground***- only judge in your head :] see the honesty in things, what they really are and what they really mean.

intoxicated

i find beauty in sadness. it thrills me. it intrigues me. one can only understand the true meaning of his own soul through solitude, through being alone, left deserted in the wilderness of life. life is the ultimate jungle of everything. we cling to different aspects, to different crutches- be it alcohol, drugs, sex, women, men, material things, beauty, sandess, death- everything. i therefore, in my present state of mind, accept everything in this world- the bizarre, the extraordinary, the lugubrious humans, the insane creatures, yes, everything.

i am not sure if i am strong enough in this world. i am uncertain if i am built to exist around humans of varying mindsets. am i weak? am i insane? i fear, i tremble, i am uncertain. i wish in this life i could be happy and confident at everything i do. but i self defeat myself. i am not coward to admit these things. i am weak. i am shy. i have no confidence. god help me. i am even odd to the eyes of some people. these nerves, this mere brain of mine gets to me. no matter how i could remember things, the distant echo of the past, the names of who i met two years ago, the incident that occurred, how petty they are, rings fresh to my memory, yet they are nothing. i might be genius at recalling events but it does n ot amount to anything in the life's jungle.

i am a weakling and i need to change it. to accept myself, gay as i am, small as i am, is strnght. to be it, to act like it, in the eyes of people, is bravery. easy to say, but to be the real me to everyone i met is arduous.

today, i went to get a smog check for the truck (eddie sent tme), and i displayed a different side of mine- a more masculine, the harder aspect of my own being. something was wrong, i thought. my being uptight, me not coming to terms, not coming to grip with my own self is burdening enough. but how can i act rather gayly in situations like this? situations such as me being surrounded by macho men, that does not conform to the oddity of other individuals? why am i gay? why am i like this? to accept is everything. to accept is liberating. i want to be free of my own judgments. i shall not demean myself, not look at msyelf of some thing so little, so inferior than anybody else. i am just like you. we are all but humans alike.

insomnia kills, so i write

One can put a hand in a burning stove and feel the heat, the fire and its torment. One slits a wrist and feel a passion of a bloody-like flame, of life itself in another dimension, the curdling intensity, the sweet pain and the ever mysterious mind trip that goes along with it. for one looks at the blood gushing through, dripping drop by drop in its own rhythm, an ever exquisite melody that can not be equated to any thing. she feels ever more so alive in this euphoria- her head weightless, her heart heavily pounding, and her mind completely absent. the sole of her soul lost amidst the confusion and pain (who knows what had, and who, inflicted the pain). perhaps life itself has burdened her. no more of these whispers, these constant guessing games and those furtive looks in someone's eyes. her loved ones, her friends and the people she dearly knew, had suddenly become strangers, veiled in obscurity and turned into something so alien, so distant in their own habitat. her room, her only sanctuary has transformed into something so foreign, so utterly distant that it made the whole picture, the mundane world itself simply unlivable. there is nothing left worth living for- everything she has known, loved, and attached to are now gone, pirouetted into the unknown. so here she is in the her bathroom next to the sink, braver, perhaps more confident than she has ever been. here she is, with her eyes comfortably closed, enjoying the moment (she feels really light headed now). for her, the world is so chaotic, so heavy, and so unsatisfying that its better to leave it than to live in it. and slowly, she drifts away. it might have been sleep, it might have been the dizziness or confusion, or perhaps death has simply came to greet her.

IN MEMORY OF CHARY, MY COUSIN, WHO SPENT A MERE NINETEEN YEARS IN THIS WORLD. MAY YOU REST IN PEACE.

for now

Life. One thing life presents as an enemy, an inevitable one, an unyielding monster to some, especially for those who have been spoiled their whole lives, is job, and along with it, money. For I have not been serious with life (I still treat the world rather childish), I do nothing but veer away from my own problems. The time will come where I have to grab life by the hand and just grab it, while it takes me full speed ahead, like a roller coaster. It will be rough, at the same time thrilling, and for it runs full speed, it will be mixture of things. But one must learn how to love life and everything associated with it. One must learn how to embrace it, let life fall in love with you and you of life, for there is nothing worse in this world to have life as your enemy. Job is what I want. Job is what I am currently looking for. And yet why am I still here idling, just sitting here, not wanting to take charge? I push myself at times, though not hard enough. Self-discipline is what I need. Adamant- that's it...that's what I need.

black's beach

For a beach instills freedom, the waves, how magnificent they were as they come and go, marks the ebb and flow of things. It has a way of overwhelming someone's feet and lightening it up- the waves- its sudden attack and its gentle departure. The sound of the ocean, so crisp in the ear, can besiege one's boredom to possibilities. For the beach was crowded by men, and men of certain life's standard. Homosexuals they were, some naked, some clothed, some with aged bodies, some with hairs, some with colors, some handsome, for they were all men of different kinds. I witnessed the beach in time, though not perfectly, for I was- what was it? shy? anxious? perhaps nervous, perhaps, all of those sorts.

One can come across with someone in odd places, especially odd, too, when the affinity you had with that someone was nothing but a mere sexual affair. I dealt with it by ignoring the friction, thus, eliminating a meeting, a small talk, an awkward glance and smile, and god knows what else could have happened. But incidence of him, any part of him, was completely avoided by simply ignoring the circumstance itself. But one feels uneasiness inside of such odd situations. Still, one get over things in time. Still life has a way of adding up day to day.

Alvin had trouble getting to the beach, for the path was steep (we took the harder path), and he did his tricks, of sitting and sliding! not caring of people behind us, nor how the earth would soil his shorts. And I tripped, too, once. And there was Thomas, behind, while I pretended to not see him, and I did good pretending. Eddie was already miles ahead, and there we were, me and Alvin, still struggling, still holding up people behind.

We took comfort, finally, after an exhausting trip down, at a place situated in the gay part of the beach. We laid down mats, erected the umbrella, and there we sat. Franz was calling us asking where we were, and constantly calling, it might have been five times, until we finally had a glimpse of him, in his green shorts and white t-shirt. Finally, there he was, and our group was at last complete. Franz laid a towel, next the mat we already had lain, so he could be in the sun, absent from the umbrella's cast of shadow.

We took a walk, and west direction we took. Oh, how the water felt nice! tingling our feet with its temperate state. We walked a while, and saw things- children naked, men naked, them playing volleyball, a couple naked, too, and a woman, big breasted, and another woman, big nippled, oh varieties! A twilight zone it was! And how eye candy a sight of a handsome man, though I was not too big, nor really cared much. Neither it touched my nerves, the sensual, sexual part.

We took the easier path way back up, and yet, it still tired us. A nice day it was, afar from the norm of everyday living.

bored

what is a note? when one scribbles, and just scribbles nonsense things, here and there, words, sentences, paragraphs that never cease to end. one can write things of a maiden, of how solemn she is, (though young) of how the world corrupted her innocence, her ability to be easily amused. there is her husband, stalwart, at times, funny, yet mostly composed of things she never wished to be closed to, nor cling to. what can a maiden, young as her age, with her own kindred, her own family who expect her to be the best wife she could be, the best mother she can be, do to simply get by? (she has two sons, and how lovely they are). they, these people, the world outside her, have been nothing but clueless. she had lost them a long while now, just as she had lost a grip of her real self. how she wishes she could disappear. the rattling of plates, the mundane art of waking up in the morning, the chores she is forced to attend- all of it- suddenly overwhelms her. she wishes to disappear, far, far away. she will abandon this- her kids, her husband, her life, a thing that used to matter, now a mere illusion of a past she had loved. "one day, just one day," she thought, "i shall free myself." at one morning, when her husband gone, departed to work, she will clean immaculately, scrub what has not been scrubbed, spot even the tiniest speck of dust; to tidy everything up, organizing each and every thing there is- the cupboards, the fridge, the picture frames, the bathroom- all in its prime, museum-like state. she will pack her clothes. she will leave a note, simply saying, "pardon me, for i am unhappy here." she will walk out the door, carefully not laying a glance to the dear crib, nor trying to hear her poor babies yelps, and cries. will guilt be on her then? perhaps yes, perhaps not, when everything turned into a stone, a cold shelter, an empty, desolated musk of solitude. a train she will embark. a trip to canada. perhaps she will be some one then, a clerk in a library will do. this is her idea of life, of happiness.

the other day...

The other day, me and Juliene drove to Los Angeles, to Santa Monica Pier, to 3rd Street Promenade to meet with Margie. We strolled 3rd street looking at shops, and walked to the pier, where we had dinner at Bubba Gump, where they did not like their drinks (they both ordered same drink, Lava Float), where we ate shrimps, clams and chicken fingers, where I drank pomegranade, a light drink, almost like lemonade. After dinner we had our palms read by a fat lady with her own stall, purplish, with signs saying "$3 for palm reading". And so we did, and although I was not ecstatic nor did believe in anything she said, my friends, the girls, believed it so. It was an okay day, nothing too fun. People seldomly have too much fun anymore as they grow older. They leave, they forget, and sometimes abandon their childhood, that innocence behind. I would like to be easily wondered again, to just exist freely and dream. To not get caught in life's web, its illusions, its serious entanglement. I can still be free. It is just a matter of change of mind.

rant and raves

For someone to walk out the door coldly, I would not know what he was feeling, what state he was in anyway. Stress, I could consider, overly stressed. To spend days, perhaps four days in a row, getting bombarded with phone calls, with problems from work, with bills, with whatever surfaces, it must be really stressful. I would not know anyhow. My plate is pretty empty at the moment. But did not he ask for it? - for these things, to come his way? I shall not be affected by it. It is his own world, not mine. We might be in a relationship but I don't take responsibility of his own world. His life is his own. What, then, are the things we share? Love? Company? No matter how true of false it is? What is it that we really share? Perhaps as simple as companionship, of just being there, even if it is standing rigid, or sitting cold. It seems to me as if this relationship of ours had been a one way relationship. That he always had been there for me, and I made no effort in return. Now should be a time to open my eyes to all of it- that he has been but good, generous, and I, in return had been cold, ungrateful. I should start taking actions to make a difference. Yes, I will....

job searching

Ah, job searching. Am I immature enough to consider that looking for a job, simple to some, could be a strain, a burden to me? I should grow up, I say to myself. But how could I, when I, myself, is scared to face the world? I tend to think too much of negative things that turns into self-defeat, of lack of self esteem, and of confidence. I tend to shy away, to rather speak childish, fast, girlish, almost to a point of a nervous breakdown. After all, I am but inexperienced, a little child, of light weight, of young body and of conscious mind, perhaps overly conscious to some extent. How could someone like me push myself to the limit, to force myself to do all these things that I fear. Someday, yes someday, I will get there. But for now, a mere change of mindset matters greatly. Of me, thinking big, of me thinking as someone different, perhaps an overachiever, or someone, just someone built differently as me.

Tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will start being serious with myself. This time, I will take my word for it. No more of those talking down myself, of making myself feel scared, intimidated. Nothing exists outside this world but a state of mind.

Back From Hiatus

"Pardon my hiatus," I should say to myself. It's been a while since my last post.

I met a new friend, Alvin, who I think I will have a good lasting friendship with. We have gone to Bleu, Bourbon Street, and Chocolat for a wonderful crepe and gelato the past few days. I met another potential friend last night at Bourbon. Franz, (or could it be France?) a year older than me and seem to be in the same page, same situation in life- seeking for a circle of new friends.

I made a rather bad choice the other day. I took someone's prescription pills, a psychiatric drug for depression. I, of course, when my right mind sprung back, halted after taking three dosages on three seperate occasions. So far, fortunately, no signs of brain damage, nor drastic mood changes. So, I'll be fine. Thank heavens for a lesson well learned.

I woke up early today and carpooled with Diane to attend an open call for jobs at Rady's Children's Hospital. Nothing much to tell about the event, rather it feels fulfilling to have gone and applied for the job.

There was this one memorable weekend where me and Abby went to 5th Street Promenade, spent the whole day there, and strolled at Santa Monica Pier that chilly night. Later that night, we met up with Eric and Reyner at their hotel room, Le Melrose, if I could remember right. Then we headed to Rage, danced the night away with drinks and shots taken from the hotel room and at the club. We met a gay couple, an attractive white guy in his thirties, boyish, charming; and his younger boyfriend, Asian, bland, boring, quite average looking for my taste (not that I'm into Asians that much). They, the couple, went back to the hotel room with us after the club closed at 2am. I was so drunk that mindlessly I gave the white guy an oral job for a short period, and ceased for I was completely buzzed and was just ready to crash. "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm so drunk," was all I said and the act was suddenly dismissed. He left for unknown reasons (he might have been embarrassed from his erectile dysfunction or his tiny penis) and his boyfriend, the Asian, stayed and was with Eric doing things I really don't know nor care. So I crashed, slept in the couch, forgetting everything from then on. Anybody could have taken advantage of me at that time in my heavily intoxicated state. Or if anybody ever did that night, there is now way I could find out.

I woke up at 7am in the couch, cold, with no blanket. I went to the bathroom and on my way, I passed the bed, and saw Eric, Reyner and Abby- the three of them sleeping shirtless, though I highly doubt something happened among any of them. On the way back to the couch, I grabbed the comforter :D from them and went back to sleep. It was about an hour later when everyone of us were awake talking, chatting about last night, how crazy it was. We walked to Mel's diner for breakfast and we headed to San Diego after. It was Saturday, and we went clubbing with Eddie this time, though Abby was absent from the group. An Asian night theme it was. Surprisingly, uncommonly as it was, the crowd, more than half of it, was quite attractive. Another delightful evening of dancing, and drinking. Toodles.

Will Only Look Forward

Life has been a splendor for I have been but useful and productive. I have been working for about more than two weeks now as a server at Eddie's restaurant. Although we own the restaurant, we work hard to maintain its state- since we opened during a bad economy, there are more money to put out than to put in- we have to put out money for labor costs for the restaurant can not pay for itself. But there is a hope, that someday, this restaurant, this little eatery will be a cash cow, a decent money tree. I like it that I am around people more, that I am not isolated alone at home doing travail, useless things. I could, perhaps, develop a strong social skill through this- a sort of prep for my nursing career. (For I already have passed my NCLEX exam- got the letter from the mail last week). Everything is all good from here.

A lot of things has happened since my last blog. There was that big fight between me and Eddie which I do not seem to get over it at all, nor forgive him- until now, his shouting, that deafening, disheartening voice still taunts me; that I never kissed him for days, nor hug, nor showed him love since that rage happened at the restaurant. It was Friday night, we were closing, and Felix and Matt was there. How embarrassing the situation was! I wanted to disappear, yet I held, and managed to be strong. I am half made of steel some times.

There was that San Diego gay pride where my dear friend, Eric, came from San Francisco. We drank heavily that Saturday night- me, Eric and Eddie. We ended up going to three different locations for drinks- the Blue, where I could recall a rather handsome bartender, the Martini Bar, and Flicks. A fight happened again between me and Eddie that same night. He hit me back after hitting him numerous times. His blow was quite strong that it left my left arm aching for days. Me and Eric ran off from him. We hid behind a heat transformer we sobered up while stayed warm. I found myself vulnerable, and cried, and expressed things to Eric. Overall, I guess I could call it a drunken moment night. We then decided to call Eddie, who in the end was in good mood and was able to drive us back home safely.

The next day, Sunday, me and Eric ate at some Mexican restaurant across from the Park Manor. We met up later with Reyner and his boyfriend, Justin, at Mo's, where the couple both had two large keg beers, while Eric and I denied alcohol for it was mid afternoon. We had a decent talk, about half an hour, then me and Eric decide to finally go to the festival. It was $20 per person at the door, and I guess that was the reason why the festival was not insanely crowded as that of San Francisco's. We met up with Eddie at the beer garden, where we watched him perform for forty-five minutes his own songs, composed and written by him. And the crowd was friendly enough to applaud him dearly. After that, I was in the mood for shopping things. The festival did not offer wonderful goodies but in the end, I bought an artsy necklace and two bag of doggie cookies for my Troopy. We came across an art booth, and Eric liked this one painting that resembles a wicked nun in its very banal yet intriguing form. After few days, Eric, who was then in San Francisco, has texted me and has told me that that particular painting was sold out, and decided to buy a similar one instead.

Besides all that, (there might have been things I forgot to mention) my life has been doing well. I will only go forward.

Work

Monday: Despite my wanting to join Murry and Eddie to play golf, my sloth self overpowered it all- I chose to stay in bed than to wake up early. I woke up at 12:30pm and started playing Mario Karts online. I met up with Eddie at Fashion Valley after he was done with golf at around 5pm. We ate at the Nordstrom's Cafe- I had my usual favorite, the angel hair pasta, and we both agreed on sharing creme brule for desert. We decided to go to a movie after. It was my turn to pick a movie and I chose "Ice Age- The Dawn of the Dinosaurs", which was an average movie. Seriously, I don't find any interesting movies this summer or whatsoever.

Tuesday: I was back at work after one week. It was a stressful day in the end. Eddie yelled at me for I was being in my bitchy and arrogant mode. We made up fast afterward, and Abby came over that night around 11pm, which is the time me and Eddie usually gets home from work. Eddie retired early, at around 1am I think, while me and Abby played till 6:30 in the morning :x

Today: I was not so exhausted when I woke up at 12:30pm despite sleeping at 6am! I decided to drive my own on the way to Dearinger, a haircut place downtown. Eddie's appointment was 2pm while mine was at 2:45pm. When I got there, Kuji was just finishing Eddie's hair. When it was my turn, I told Kuji to have my hair cut short for the sake of me working at the restaurant. So Kuji literally cut my hair short. It is definitely cleaner looking, yet I still have to get used to seeing myself this way- little boyish. Although I still have my marijuana medical card, and it will be effective for eight months or so, I am planning to quit smoking weed today! I am not certain how long will I keep up with my promise but I guess I can do it.

Fireworks And Open Parks

Me, my parents and Eddie all went to the county fair yesterday for July 4th. My parents have never gone to a fair before so they did not know what to expect. We parked at Mira Costa College and took the school bus to go to the fair. The buses runs full every five to ten minutes to and fro from the community college to the fairgrounds.

We got to the fair around 6pm and we looked around for a while, sightseeing and trying out odd yet interesting food- the blooming onion was loved by everyone. Eddie tried out the classic shooting game where you shoot all the red stars in the middle. Luckily, he won! He had said that for fifteen years of playing that game, he had not been successful. The game attendants cheered loudly saying, "Winner, winner, we've got a winner!" Eddie had won a huge black bear almost half his size. We walked around for more witnessing before our eyes the rides and the people screaming while in them. We saw in them the thrill, the fun and the excitement.

The fireworks began to display its beauty in the heavens at exactly 9pm. The dark skies were perfectly clear for such an exhibit. The colorful, varying types of fireworks blazed for everyone to see for thirty minutes. It was a spectacular fireworks show, a rather first class fanfare. We went home right after the fireworks were done. We got in the bus immediately for there were less crowds outside. If we would have left later, we would have found ourselves stuck amidst the crowd for a long time, perhaps for an hour or so- just like what me and Eddie had to go through three years ago. I'm thankful we took the bus instead of driving there and parking in the overly crowded parking structure. It would have taken us about an hour as well to get out the parking lot.

We played a game of scrabble when we got home. I won the game by a far margin as usual. I had a scrabble- the word "audible" with a total of 83 points landing on the triple word score.

Today: My parents had spent the night. We changed our plans of going hiking nearby. Instead, we decided to visit some relatives at El Cajon where we spent about three hours. They served us lunch, mostly childhood dishes from my home country. I devoured "dinuguan" since I was longing for its taste. My mom and dad likes the vegetable kind, "pinakbet". After finishing lunch, my mom and her cousin, whom we visited, talked for couple hours while me and my dad sat on the couch watching television show from the Philippines. It was very refreshing seeing some Filipino entertainment shows- dancing, singing- and I got to see famous people from my home country perform.

We headed to Balboa Park after. We roamed the area full of museums, plants of varying kinds, dozen types of cactuses, roses, fountains, artsy people and majestic trees. The architect in those museums (they might have been carved) was wonderful to look at. There were a lot of people there today, and we very much enjoyed our time spent in the area.

My parents left as soon as we got home around 5pm. Eddie was out buying groceries at Henry's for dinner. Eddie had made really good steak with rice and asparagus, and I hungrily ate the meal. We played a game of chess, and sadly, I lost.

County Fair, House of Blues, Work and Laziness....

Tuesday: The day I arrived from San Francisco. Myra and I carpooled to go to the fair in Del Mar. The day was perfectly nice, although it got cold when the sun had set down. Juliene met us there two hours late. While waiting for her, me and Myra drank margaritas at the beer garden. We also ate lunch- ribs and onion flower- and before we knew it, Juliene arrived with her younger sister, Lucie. The day at the fair was nice. We all ate foods that were so fatty and we tried eating (but could not let ourselves finish) the so called "chocolate covered bacon". Moreover, we rode two rides: the octopus and the speed extreme (not quite sure about the latter's name). I got home exhausted at around 8pm and called it a day.

Wednesday: My first day at work as a busser and a server at Eddie's restaurant. While waiting for my test result, which takes five weeks to arrive in the mail, Eddie thought (and myself, i guess) that it would be a good idea for me to work and be around people rather than being alone at home. I took the job as for my personal sake- I need to improve my social skills. Perhaps this job, serving people, will abate my shyness and my being too conscious around crowd. Perhaps it will also improve my communication skills toward everybody.

Thursday: Eddie's show at House of Blues. Prior to going to House of Blues, I visited the bookstore in The Forum in search for magazines that could feed my brain- a nursing magazine, a psychology magazine or anything of that sort- but to no avail. Instead, I came across a book that talks about how to improve someone's social skills. I read some tidbits of it and decided to just order it online. After the bookstore, I came home to change my clothes to look more rock. Abby met up at my place twenty minutes late but luckily, we were on time to get to House of Blues. We parked our car in the funkiest parking structure, I swear. Diane was already waiting out front, and Tiara was there as well. There was hardly anybody inside when we got in. Eddie was the first performer of the night and I was just glad to be there on time. Robyn and Marc arrived during the first song, and Murry and his friend arrived during the third song. I had one long island drink and Abby had two. Diane had beer and wine so was her husband, Jim. We only stayed for less than an hour, and left fifteen minutes after Eddie was done with his show since we could not stand the band after him- their loud screamo music, ugh. So instead, we decided to all go to Eddie's restaurant. We all had fifty percent off on our meals. We ended up having a fantastic time, at least from my point of view.

Today, Friday, was uneventful for me. I went back to House of Blues mid afternoon to get the camera I checked in from Eddie's show last night. The claiming process turned out to be easier than I thought. Downtown San Diego, the area where I was, was rather dirty and full of homeless and riff-raffy people. I caught some heavy traffic on the way home due to the Del Mar County Fair. When I got home, Eddie was about leaving for work. The rest of the day I spent playing video games- not healthy for me. Sigh. I need to change my ways and stick to a stern self discipline. I will start by Monday. Hopefully, I will follow through.

San Francisco Gay Pride

Me and Eddie attended the San Francisco gay pride this weekend. We flew Friday night from San Diego airport to San Francisco airport where Eric picked us up five minutes late. We arrived at the Westin St. Francis, and checked in at 9pm. The hotel's location was very convenient since it is in the heart of Union Square, and the festival, and the subway was only couple blocks away.

On Friday night, me, Eddie, and Eric went to the crowded Castro, and ended up drinking and partying at Toad Hall. Abby and Louie met us there, and we all had fun drinking, laughing and being obnoxious the whole night.

On Saturday, me and Eddie woke up at 2pm. We had brunch at Sushi Boat just across the street from our hotel. We then headed to the "med store" where we spent about fifteen minutes enjoying mother earth. Ahhh....it was so wonderful walking in the street of San Francisco in a windy day under something.

The festival on Saturday was decent, me and Eddie did not plan on visiting all the booths or anything. We were just there to party and let loose. At night, at about 6, we headed to the streets of Castro where they held the Big Party. It was literally a "big" party. The streets were crowded with hundreds or even thousands of people, myriads of kind. We went to the Lookout to get drinks, and ended up getting drunk there. Eddie left us- me, Abby and Louie- for about an hour in search for euphoria, only to fail in his own mission. But while Eddie was away, me, Abby, and Louie took advantage of our freedom. We walked around drunk and with my head spinning. I was suppose to meet up with Eric but I ended up canceling dinner plans with him since I was too wasted. Instead, I just followed Abby and Louie's footsteps. They were drunk too, and were consistently grabbing all the boy's asses who wore skimpy outfits, and sexy underwear.

When Eddie got back, we were rather sad to find out he failed his quest to obtain euphoria. So we ended up looking for a spot where we could smoke and be lightheaded. I could not remember what happened the rest of the night for I was too wasted.

Sunday came, and Eddie and I woke up at 11:30. We went to Max's restaurant, just next to our hotel's to have breakfast. We went to see the parade after. I was surprised to find out the parade was still going even at 1:30pm. The parade was not much of a sight to see so we went to the festival again instead. It was slower for us this time since we were just here yesterday. Me and Eddie danced at the techno stage called Shadowplay. We met up with Abby and Louie again after, where we only hung out for a little bit before we separated our ways. Eddie and I spent the rest of the day lazily walking around, standing here and there, watched some portions of the events on the main stage for a little bit, then rested at the grass where a lot of festival-goers where already seated. This guy, supposedly straight, with his girlfriend, kept eyeing me. He was cute, and I could still discern his face in my mind.

We got done, and tired with the festival and decided to go back to the hotel and rest. It was about 7pm and we spent about an hour enjoying the comforts and elegance of our hotel room. We went out around 8pm and got to Castro at about 9pm. We were both very hungry then and the search for food turned out to be frustrating. Most of the restaurants in Castro was either overly crowded or already closing. Eddie was on the brink of being upset due to his hunger. We then decided to flee the crowded Castro and went back to Union Square to have dinner at the 24-hour diner close to our hotel. We picked up a chocalte cake desert and two milks at Lori's diner after.

We called it an early night. It was about midnight. Eric had been texting me all night long. I forgot to remind Eddie (perhaps I might have forgotten about Eric that night), that we were suppose to meet Eric at Badlands. Reyner was there as well, and I thought it was a good idea meeting them there. But I was side tracked and forgot about the meeting. I apologized for ditching Eric, who was adamant on seeing me one last time. Eric did not even think it was my fault me not seeing him. But whatever, it all comes down to one thing- he was bummed he did not get to spend more time with me the whole weekend I was there.

Monday morning, and there have been couple knocks on the door which disturbed Eddie- one at 8:30am and the other at 10am. We got to the airport early, 12:30, and our flight was 2:30. At the airport, we had breakfast at some sandwich shop. And while I was at the bookstore looking for some magazine, a rather so-so looking guy came up to me wanted to have a small talk. Instead, I gave him the cold shoulder replying "no" to his question, "Hey, where you at the Castro last night?" Anyways, I was but tired and exhausted on the flight home. And I'm here now, back home, still sick with strep throat infection (I got the news just as we got home hearing from the answering machine the doctor saying I tested positive of strep infection.)

The Nursing Board Exam

I finally took my NCLEX exam today despite me being sick with colds, runny nose and tonsillitis. I was stopped after answering 85 questions, and such trend could be a good sign since most of my classmates who took the test and who have encountered the same scenario passed the test. But I am clueless whether or not I passed the test.

I crammed the past two days, doing nothing but study. I slaved myself, day and night, with the NCLEX review book in my hands. The strict self discipline I had from those two days of burning the midnight oil came from me being sloth over the past four months. During those times, I did not do anything but sit around and complain about how miserable and sad my life is. How ridiculous was I?

Caroline, a cast from New Jersey Housewives on Bravo TV had been my inspiration to step up the plate and start acting like a bull rider. "Fuck 'em" is my new motto. I will no longer resort to thinking myself as a victim in this world. Yes, I am very tiny, and yes, I am a girly boy, but I found my new sense of self worth and strength. Most of it stems from Caroline's strong demeanor.

Growing up for me, and looking at the world with new mindset had been a struggle. It goes to show that spoiled kids, no matter how wonderful their life had been during their childhood and teenage years, will have difficulty adjusting into early adulthood. I have gone ups and downs, laughter and misery, joy and sadness-- all of it happened like a mad train speeding so fast in its tracks. Before I knew it, I was embarked into a new trail, a new understanding how life really works. And I want to be good at dealing with life.

For now, I am resting, hoping to recuperate fast from this sickness so that I could party hard in San Francisco this weekend!! Ahh...I just feel accomplished and yes, happy that I have done something useful for myself. :p

Orfila Vineyard

I had such a wonderful day celebrating Juliene's birthday at the Orfila Vineyard. We had wine tasting, and savored six different kinds of wine. We eventually decided to buy a bottle of wine and sit outside next to the grape vineyard itself, and the horizon overlooking rocky mountains, and vast planes. We snacked on pimiento olives, salami and crackers while we drunk our wine. We bought another bottle of wine for us to sit out at the rose garden this time. We ended up drinking and just talking to each other for four hours. It was simply amazing. We had a wonderful time.

Juliene's dad, who also dropped us off, fetched our drunken selves after. At Juliene's place (she's living with her parents temporarily for few months now) her dad had served us the same dishes as we had earlier for lunch. They were all delicious- mostly Filipino dish and delicatessen.

I got home and felt so exhausted almost to a point of falling asleep. It but reminded me of the days after having spent tiresome work on my clinical time as a student nurse on weekends. Eddie got home around 9pm after his show performance at Cane's on Mission Beach. We had Borelli's pizza for dinner, and called it an early night.

Park, Art and Museums

I woke up yesterday worrying about the arrival of Eddie's visitors. I wanted to get out of the house as fast I can just to avoid them. So I had it all planned out. I would go to the library, read my books and study. I went downstairs at 11:30am, and Eddie had just left rather coldly, not even any of his usual "see you later" kisses. I went back upstairs and I took a shower, got ready at my normal pace. I was relieved as soon as I drove past our neighborhood.

On the way to the library, I was pondering about what the avoidance was for. I guess in the end it all roots down from my being shy and me not being comfortable in my own skin. Or perhaps, once again, I have fallen into a mind trap, that I have been a victim of the world I see. I called my parents on the phone just to distract my noisy mind. I called my mom first, then my dad, and asked him for some change. He unselfishly deposited $20 on my account for gas money. Then I called Eric, who I ended up having a long conversation with. We talked for half an hour or so. We talked as I sat in a parking lot in front of the library, and as the conversation deepens and lengthens, I drove, while still talking on the phone, from the library to the bookstore. The conversation was about me wanting to move in with him in San Francisco. I am not certain how truthful I was, but everybody exaggerates at the spur of the moment- I felt that Eddie distanced from me because of our recent confrontations.

I called Abby last, knowing that we had plans on hanging out today for it was his day off. I had abandoned my studying again. I went to pick up Abby and encountered heavy county fair traffic. It added fifteen minutes of the normal travel time. Thank god Abby knew some other way to the freeway that was less populated.

We went to Hash House A Gogo only find out they were closed on mid-day from 2pm-5:30pm. We ended up eating at the Mediterranean restaurant, Pasha. The lady who served as was very nice and polite. I assumed she was the new manager/owner of the small restaurant. I ordered two baklava deserts to-go after the wonderful dinner.

We decided to go to Balboa Park after, and ended up having such a magnificent time. We explored the park and its vicinity. We roamed the museums- we did not get to go inside in one for they were all closed by the time we got there at 5:30pm. But we still had the greatest time walking around what seemed like so foreign to us. We have not gone there before, and we were but thrilled to have discovered such nice architectural buildings, a cutesy small kid's Spanish town, an absurdly wide tree, and to have heard group of boys playing Mexican folk songs with their different instruments, and above all to the new experience.

We rode with the top down on the way home. We watched Big Fish, and the finale of the Housewives of New Jersey. When Eddie got home from work, we three played Mario Karts. At 2am, I dropped Abby home. And when I came back, I played Mario Karts until 4:30am, and I was hooked with racing with the offroader.

Been Out More

The past few days had been quite eventful. On Wednesday night, I met up with my girl friends for dinner at Eddie's restaurant. We had a worthwhile time chatting and catching up on each other. Diane, Julien and I ordered the philly cheese steaks while Myra had a chicken plate. Myra and Diane had two glasses of wine while Julien and I just had iced teas. Eddie gave us fifty percent off on our orders, and we were but grateful. We spent two and a half hours talking about our lives, other people's lives, we reminisced on our time during nursing school, that those times, those days, were truly the good old days. I am happy to have friends like them- they are my nursing buddies, and I am certain that our friendship will be long lasting.

When I came home from the dinner, about 9pm or so, I saw two raccoons gobbling up the cat food we always put outside for the stray cats. They were huge, and seemed hungry and vicious. I parked my car on the driveway while waited for them to go away. Instead, they were curious enough, or perhaps aggressive, that they walked up in front of my car and stared at me. I hissed them but to no avail. I was scared, and could not get inside the house-- I don't have a garage opener, and Eddie won't be home till 11. In order to open the door, I have to walk past them and I did not dare attempt to do that for the fear of them attacking me. Thankfully, Abby called me. I ended up picking him up and he asked me to stop at Taco Bell first before heading home. When we got home, the raccoons were gone and we safely went inside the house.

Yesterday, I did Abby a favor by giving him a ride to Pep Boys to get a battery for his car. His car broke on Tuesday so he could not come over that night, and he texted me later on that he was bored out of his mind. After Pep Boys, we went to where his car was, at his place in Del Mar. Abby still lives with his parents in a small trailer by the horse ranch. I liked it there- the smell of the horses, the nature, the rural essence of it, and just the feeling of being thousand miles away from home even though it was only about five to ten miles from our house. We were glad to see that the battery fit his car perfectly. Then we headed down to Hillcrest where we ate sushi and decided to go for a walk after to the magazine store to buy the new issue of Rolling Stone magazine. We also stopped by at Buffalo Exchange just to window shop. We head home and watched Sweeney Todd which was good (I give it about 7/10). Then we parted ways, he went to Bourbon while I stayed home, and waited for Eddie to come home from work. I watched the special features on The Reader DVD.

I am glad I am beginning to lighten up, and not treating myself as a victim. As the Course In Miracles say, "I am not a victim of the world I see". Plus, it helps studying the book Power Of Now, too. What happened on Monday was a cry for love. I did not mean to hurt Eddie's feelings again when I brought up my unhappiness in this city, and that I wished to be in San Francisco. In the future, I see myself living in San Francisco, but for now, all I can do for the sake of me and Eddie is to be contented, and not let my ego take over my right mind.

Realization

I need to learn to not count on what's outside me for happiness. Instead, I should focus on investing riches inside me, and to continually improve on my spiritual path. I need to learn how to stay in the now and be fully contented, not to wish I am somewhere else, doing something else. I need to quiet my mind, my ego, the voices, the whispers that crowd my head. For they all are but burden- they cast me into shadows of despair and melancholy- and I refuse to be that. I don't want that.

I am greatly sorry that I have caused Eddie heartaches with things I have said such as me not being happy here, and me wanting to move to San Francisco. They are all but projections of the future, and clearly not a sign of a well mind since its not staying in the now.

I need to be more comfortable with myself, and to accept that yes, I am gay, and yes, that I am a tiny 22 year old that looks like a kid. I am beautiful, I am smart, I have all the good things going on for me. I am fortunate and I am thankful for Eddie.

I know that I am not doing anything at the moment, but this too will soon pass. An idle mind could be a perfect tool for the ego, for it could easily snatch it, and occupy my mind with falsities. I need to be more productive, to be out more, be friendly more, be not too conscious when around people. I need to have more friends around my age.

I need to abandon the notion that I am better than most people, because in reality every human being has the same right to exist here in this world, and not to be deprived of anything, even a simple acceptance from me. What I really mean is, I need to see love in everybody, not hate.

What do I do when someone around me is constantly judging and hating people? I just tell them, "You know what, if you please, I don't really want to hear things like that." Acceptance can come a long way, but if you do, you are free.

I need to give everybody a smile, to be able to communicate normally through staying in the now, and not projecting stories in my mind. It is what it is.

I need to be more organized, to read more, and lessen my lazy time. I need to expand myself, to explore new possibilities, and challenge myself once in a while.

Golf at Steele Canyon Ranch

The day began rather early for me. I was awakened by Eddie just what he promised that last night. About a quarter part of myself did not want to go just for the sake of not getting up so early (10:30am), but the dominant side, the side which I want to be in nature, to spend time with Eddie and simply the thought of being outside the whole day motivated me to get moving and be in the shower. By eleven o'clock, I was ready. I was a bit tired and sleepy, too. Eddie had made me breakfast, a toast cut in half covered with butter and grape jelly. He brought out from the fridge a bottle of Starbucks Coffee frapuccino to take along the way.

I vaguely remember what has happened on the way to Murry's place. I might have been sleeping. All I could recall was arriving in front of Murry's condo structure, and the sight of him sitting at the bottom of the stairs, next to his golf bag. He hurried in, we said hellos, and went on talking about random stuff on the way to the golf course.

Jamul is a remote city, about thirty or more miles away from downtown. The city is still in the process of growing, as the appearance of newly paved roads, strip malls and homes. One could picture what this town might have looked like about ten years ago- a vast open field (might have been dry) and only few populations existed with very few homes, mostly ranches perhaps. Until to this day, there are still considerable amount of spaces that dominate the city, and such state marked Jamul as something I would consider as the "boonies".

Steele Canyon Ranch was a decent golf course. The grass was green, the cart tracks were in excellent condition, and the place itself is earnestly clean. It almost resembles a Hawaiian golf course. One thing that stood out the most in my mind was the sight of a weeping willow so robust in its earthy, motherly form. It stretches out wide, too, and that bestowed the tree with more dramatic look as it created an imagery of its countless arms, limp and skinny. Strangely enough, I ought to believe the tree, the weeping willow itself is actually weeping. The arms, as I had thought, metamorphosed into tears. The tree has been so long crying. Its trunk created countless tears that stays there as memories from people, here, in this earth who had suffered, and that the mother tree sufficed their burden through beautifully displaying its own being.

I witnessed Eddie and Murry swung their tees numerous times, and saw everything- the joy, the frustration, the worry, the awe, the disappointment- it proved that golf is also a huge thinking game. In the end, Murry's score was better than Eddie's, but it did not matter nor worth to have made comparisons since Murry cheats on his scores unlike Eddie, who tallies his scores honestly.

We went to Fashion Valley after to watch the movie Up. This was the second time of me watching this movie, but it was no hassle for me since I wanted Eddie to see it anyway, especially to know and feel the storyline. Like what I had expected, he shed some tears, and laughed really hard during some parts of the movie. He confessed that he really loved the movie and gave 9.5/10 rating. I was simply happy that he enjoyed it. We dined at the Nordstrom cafe. I had the tomato basil angel hair pasta and Eddie had a salad with avocados in it.

Then back at home, we played a game of scrabble, a few races online on Mario Karts, and I watched a Discovery Health show entitled, The Vanished Twins.

A Notice

I make stories in my mind all the time. I create a series of projections, scripts, and instances, and I make it all real. This make-believe impairs my ability to socialize well and impedes my personal growth. In reality, someone's thoughts, whatever they are, do not affect you unless you let it. A well, balanced mind, and being able to stay NOW is the key to mental wellness.

A Night of Music

Eddie and I went to the street fair yesterday at Adams Street in North Park. The street fair was rather quaint and indie, populated by people who are into arts, mod designs, and basically the modern 60s style. There have been girls who looked like Enid from the movie Ghost World. There was an odd clown intruding random people, and kids skateboarding on the west side. There were four stages at the event- two rock and roll local bands performing on two separate stages, one band with a girl vocalist that sounded like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and one circus girl on the other stage. Eddie bought me a t-shirt and a print work from some local artist. The design was about a ballerina girl covered in tears.

After the event, Eddie and I went to the Starbucks in Hillcrest and walked over to the magazine store to see the new issue of the Bambini magazine. Then I dropped him off at his restaurant (for he is off to work), and I drove home (we drove the same car, the Ford truck this time.)

Eddie owns three cars- a Ford truck meant for the untidy things such as the dog, the beach, and also for loading and carrying things. A 1995 Dodge Viper which only has 19,000 miles, and a 2001 charcoal black Mercedez Benz. He used to own a GMC truck two years ago, and he gave it away to his brother who lives in Levittown, Pennsylvania. Eddie also bought me my car, a 2007 triple white Beetle, and also bought his daughter a sporty 2008 Mazda (I don't know which kind).

When I got home yesterday, I took Troopy to the beach, which was only a 5 minute drive from home. It was cold, almost sunset, and the mood, the atmosphere was sort of dreamy, as if it was a beach lost in the most remote and bleak region somewhere. It was a whimsical 30 minute walk.

I had dinner after, a leftover sandwich from Eddie's restaurant, then I watched Fashion Show to kill time. At 10:30pm, Abby, just getting off work, decided to come over at the house. He wanted to come with me to pick up Eddie at his restaurant, and go to some gay bar after.

We ended up going to Flicks. Eddie had three beers, while I had three shots of Jagermeister. Abby had two Jager shots, and a drink. We stayed for the underwear contest. The contestants were decent, mostly gay guys in their late 20s- all Caucasian, a scrawny one, a boyish one, a tattooed military one (my favorite), and an intellectual one. All four contestants had something to offer. We left right away after the contest, not even knowing who the winner was.

The ride back home was lunatic. Eddie was driving my car, and I put my head out of the window (Abby, too, at times) while listening to songs from Pink Floyd, Smashing Pumpkins, Fleetwood Mac, etc. At home, we listened to more music while under something, and we let ourselves sumberged into the melodious hymn of music. We went berserk some songs, closed our eyes in wonder at another song, danced on the other songs, and even cried on some. The emotions, many of them, we had invited to feel and grasp it beautifully, and to put it away in laughter. It was but a magical moment that lasted till 3am, when Eddie finally decided to retire for the night. Me and Abby played Mario Karts till 4:30am and we, too, had called it a night.

Reminisce

Yesterday, Abby and I had dinner at PF Chang's in Fashion Valley. I had the VIP duck along with pickled cucumber and tacos while Abby had a rare tuna with wasabi noodles. Both dishes are excellent. Our server, an amicable blonde girl, had made a sauce perfectly mixed with Asian spice and mustard, and it was very addicting. Afterwards, we went to Horton Plaza downtown to see the movie UP, which put me to tears several times with its touchy storyline. We also bought the Pink Floyd movie, The Wall, and we saw it at my place that night.

I was very awkward being out in the public yesterday- a rather bad sign. I do not want to get caught up into that trap again where I get too overly conscious around people. I have been somewhat isolating myself from the public over the past few days, confining myself to my own studies, and doing dreamy things, personal things, etc--whatever things, mostly childish, I could find to distract my noisy mind.

Eddie and I haven't had quality time together in the past few days. He was busy managing his own restaurant, while I was busy playing video games, studying, etc. I need sunlight as well. I have been waking up half past noon for the past five days, and did little exercise, and been out seldomly. I have to do something before such routine will progress into nothingness. I want to be productive, not a burn-out stoner.

My test is scheduled on June 24, and for the upcoming two weeks or so, I will have a boring life. I do not have any source of income, except Eddie giving me some spare change (like $20) every now and then. I also asked money from my parents twice this month so far, $150 total. So long are the days when Eddie used to issue me weekly checks as my allowance while I was in nursing school. I never worked in my life- all the nice things I obtained, it all came from Eddie. And yet, it seems at most times, I show him lack of gratefulness. I would like to put out the trash for him, clean Lucy's litter box for him. I want to cook for him more, to love him more, to satisfy him- not disrespect or belittle him. I would like us to have a quality and worthwhile time.

Florian canceled today on our plans to go to House of Blues downtown for he has been sick with sinus infection. I would have loved to have gone and check it out- Club Lucky, a gay event, happens once a month, on the first week of each month at House of Blues.

A Lazy Day

I have been utterly lazy the entire day, doing almost nothing but play Mario Karts for six hours total. I woke up at 1pm, and Eddie had already gone to play golf with Murry at Encinitas Ranch. They got home around four in the afternoon and had ordered a large supreme pizza at Borelli's. At 6:30, Eddie went to attend his Course in Miracles study group in Escondido for two hours, and I was left at home playing Mario Karts (Eddie thought I was studying). I have not been keeping up with my studying for three days now. I am suppose to read two chapters a day, and I am already behind four chapters, I think. I am confident though that I will finish my NCLEX review book by June 24, the day of my test.

I accept that I have been lazy today, and not condemn myself for it. Tomorrow, I wish to be productive.

A Night with Fleetwood Mac

I am so happy today because I got to see Fleetwood Mac live at the Sports Arena! It was a surprise from Eddie and he acted it out well. At first I thought we were going to see the movie "Up" at Fashion Valley. On the way, he took the wrong freeway, and since I was in a happy mood, I did not let the petty situation upset me. Then suddenly, he threw folded papers on my lap. I did not put too much emphasis on the papers and I simply asked him what it was. "Trash", he replied, so I mindlessly dumped it in the car's trash bin. He then asked me to examine them closer...and I was awe stricken to discover two Fleetwood Mac concert tickets! And we were on our way too!

We arrived at the Sports Arena an hour early, and the parking lot was still desolated. We parked at the nearest spot we could find and entered the venue from the east side. I got so self conscious inside the stadium since I was wearing the tightest black jeans that almost resembled a legging. I dressed for the mall, not for this rock concert. Luckily, I wore a not-so-loose black jacket to tame my look down. Surprisingly, it was all in my mind again- people looked but did not stare. I once again defeated my self for not being comfortable with my sexual orientation. It forever bothered my mind as to why I dress and look this way (tight black jeans, stylish t-shirt, air brush make up applied to my face, mascara, eye groomer- all look natural of course!), and hate it when people look and stare at me. Sigh. I always believed that I am one of a kind, an exotic creature humans do not encounter often, an interesting case of androgyny, frail and pixie looking.

The concert was a riot to its most chaotic degree. We had decent seats located on a lodge closest to the stage. The band performed their best hits from early Fleetwood Mac to their late hits from the eighties. Stevie Nicks donned on black and red rock dresses matched with extravagant retro scarves, gold, white and black, that the whole outfit echoed modern Victorian style. Her voice still sounded the same. She wowed me when she sang "Silver Springs" and "Landslide". Lindsey Buckingham, still handsome for his age, performed effortlessly on his guitar playing. He skillfully submerged himself into his guitar in a superhuman-like fashion. As if his own soul was producing the sound like a melodious, hallucinating cry that unraveled the band as true music genius. The drummer, Fleetwood, professed an indulging spirit when he had his solo moment in the end during the encore presentation. He, too, was memorable-he had a great smile, and looked rather cartoonish, wearing red elf-like shoes.

The concert will surely be memorable. Fleetwood Mac has become my favorite band of all time, and I am grateful for Eddie for taking me tonight at the concert. What a fantastic evening!

thin line between a deception and a white lie

Me and Eddie woke up half past noon, and we had been sleeping for nine hours. It is nice to have our own schedule since we like to sleep and wake up late. Such a comfortable routine for us, although I worry sometimes that we get too much sleep (nine to ten hours).

We read together The Course In Miracles while we ate our breakfast. As usual, I had a bowl of Trix cereal and Eddie had two toasted breads incorporated with butter, peanut butter and jellies. The reading went well, and took us only ten minutes to finish the chapter about sacrifice (it was under the teacher's manual this time).

I spent the next two hours reading the book, Perfume: A Story of a Murder, which I find enthralling. Patrick Suskind, the author, is a captivating storyteller creating successfully a dark fairy tale and a frenzy fable for the grown-ups. I am only on page 100 since it is my "gym book". It was only this afternoon that I had spent so much time reading the book. Perfume: A Story of a Murder, has some deep vocabularies in it so I had my hard-binded American Heritage Dictionary next to me.

Eddie went to work at his restaurant at 5pm, and I played Mario Kart Wii for two hours. I have been addicted to the game since last summer, and I have become disgustingly good- appearing first place almost every time even against players at 9000+ VR. I slowed down on Mario Kart lately, playing only two hours on every other day basis compared to my old playing time habit which was four to eight hours every day.

I cleaned the house again and set up the air fresheners Eddie had bought earlier when he had grocery shopping. It is a wax air-freshener kind, three of them, with an odor of apple and cinnamon. I placed one in the bathroom downstairs, one in the kitchen and the other one in the TV room. Then I nuked the leftover from my cooking last night, the beef steak, for dinner.

Then I brought forth a deceitful lie to Eddie about the speeding ticket I obtained yesterday. First, I texted him, "Hi?". A few minutes later he called, and I answered a solemn "hello" that denoted something was wrong.

"Why do you sound like this? What's up? Is it a bad news?"
"Yes. And... I just want to get it out of my chest, but I'm not sure if it's the right time."
"...I am working, I don't know either if it's a time for bad news."
"Mmmm okay. I'll just tell you later then."
"Well if it's that important tell me now... Okay, go ahead, tell me."
"I got a speeding ticket".

I have lied to Eddie the day before. I told him that I have dinner plans with my girl friends today. The cunning dishonesty had been executed perfectly. Eddie, after having thought that he would throw a temper tantrum on me regarding the matter, handled the situation rather calmly. The best of it all, I covered my lie too from yesterday's. I am unsure if I truly feel bad about my deception, or not at all. I had lied to him numerous times, and had been disloyal dozens of times. But I am not sure (and it worries me that sometimes I think I'm really apathetic) if it bother me.

I met up with Eddie at his restaurant in North Park at 11pm and he was in a good spirit telling me to ease off and lighten up about the speeding ticket. We went to Bourbon Street at University Heights. I had Amaretto Sour, and Eddie had two draft beers. The crowd was decent and had a crowd of few good looking guys. I remember a lad in particular that kept staring at me every minute. I am a boon for guys who are into petite boys. I stand 5-7 tall yet I weigh roughly 105 lbs. I showcase my skinny legs through tight black jeans. We stayed at the bar/club for about an hour before we left. We ran into Arcie, Tony, Jimmy and Doug, and they still are exactly the same people from last year (we used to always meet up with them on Friday nights at Top of the Park last summer for drinks).