Realization

I need to learn to not count on what's outside me for happiness. Instead, I should focus on investing riches inside me, and to continually improve on my spiritual path. I need to learn how to stay in the now and be fully contented, not to wish I am somewhere else, doing something else. I need to quiet my mind, my ego, the voices, the whispers that crowd my head. For they all are but burden- they cast me into shadows of despair and melancholy- and I refuse to be that. I don't want that.

I am greatly sorry that I have caused Eddie heartaches with things I have said such as me not being happy here, and me wanting to move to San Francisco. They are all but projections of the future, and clearly not a sign of a well mind since its not staying in the now.

I need to be more comfortable with myself, and to accept that yes, I am gay, and yes, that I am a tiny 22 year old that looks like a kid. I am beautiful, I am smart, I have all the good things going on for me. I am fortunate and I am thankful for Eddie.

I know that I am not doing anything at the moment, but this too will soon pass. An idle mind could be a perfect tool for the ego, for it could easily snatch it, and occupy my mind with falsities. I need to be more productive, to be out more, be friendly more, be not too conscious when around people. I need to have more friends around my age.

I need to abandon the notion that I am better than most people, because in reality every human being has the same right to exist here in this world, and not to be deprived of anything, even a simple acceptance from me. What I really mean is, I need to see love in everybody, not hate.

What do I do when someone around me is constantly judging and hating people? I just tell them, "You know what, if you please, I don't really want to hear things like that." Acceptance can come a long way, but if you do, you are free.

I need to give everybody a smile, to be able to communicate normally through staying in the now, and not projecting stories in my mind. It is what it is.

I need to be more organized, to read more, and lessen my lazy time. I need to expand myself, to explore new possibilities, and challenge myself once in a while.