intoxicated

i find beauty in sadness. it thrills me. it intrigues me. one can only understand the true meaning of his own soul through solitude, through being alone, left deserted in the wilderness of life. life is the ultimate jungle of everything. we cling to different aspects, to different crutches- be it alcohol, drugs, sex, women, men, material things, beauty, sandess, death- everything. i therefore, in my present state of mind, accept everything in this world- the bizarre, the extraordinary, the lugubrious humans, the insane creatures, yes, everything.

i am not sure if i am strong enough in this world. i am uncertain if i am built to exist around humans of varying mindsets. am i weak? am i insane? i fear, i tremble, i am uncertain. i wish in this life i could be happy and confident at everything i do. but i self defeat myself. i am not coward to admit these things. i am weak. i am shy. i have no confidence. god help me. i am even odd to the eyes of some people. these nerves, this mere brain of mine gets to me. no matter how i could remember things, the distant echo of the past, the names of who i met two years ago, the incident that occurred, how petty they are, rings fresh to my memory, yet they are nothing. i might be genius at recalling events but it does n ot amount to anything in the life's jungle.

i am a weakling and i need to change it. to accept myself, gay as i am, small as i am, is strnght. to be it, to act like it, in the eyes of people, is bravery. easy to say, but to be the real me to everyone i met is arduous.

today, i went to get a smog check for the truck (eddie sent tme), and i displayed a different side of mine- a more masculine, the harder aspect of my own being. something was wrong, i thought. my being uptight, me not coming to terms, not coming to grip with my own self is burdening enough. but how can i act rather gayly in situations like this? situations such as me being surrounded by macho men, that does not conform to the oddity of other individuals? why am i gay? why am i like this? to accept is everything. to accept is liberating. i want to be free of my own judgments. i shall not demean myself, not look at msyelf of some thing so little, so inferior than anybody else. i am just like you. we are all but humans alike.